Whack Your Way to Victory

The 2032 Brisbane Summer Olympic Games are upon us, and the International Olympic Committee has revealed the four new sports coming to the Olympic Games. Along with Toe Wrestling, Jousting, and Quidditch, Slapping will be added to the summer games repertoire. While the other three events are fairly well known in their rules and players (unless you never read Harry Potter), the sport of Slapping receives significantly less media attention than its fellow inductees.

For the common man who hasn’t heard of the noble sport of Slapping, the rules are quite simple: you and your opponent alternate between slapping each other in the face, for a total of five turns each. Unless there is a knockout, the judge decides the best slapper, and he or she is moved to the next round. The Olympic qualification format for Slapping is an elimination bracket of 256 participants from all around the world. The first one-on-one matchup is determined by random draw, and after four elimination rounds, only 16 slappers advance to the prestigious Olympic Games. Interestingly, all of these men came from the same country: Russia.

USA head coach Tommy Bazingus was outraged when he found out that all qualifiers were Russian. “Those darned Russians. Why did their men make it into the Olympics and not our fine, All-American, Star-Spangled Patriots of this god-blessed country?” When interviewed about the all-Russian competitors, the Russian head coach Ivan Ivanov said, “The Olympics are for the best of the best, so who cares if all the slappers are Russian? The steroids—I mean supplements––that our team uses are only to support the athlete after weeks of grueling training. I don’t know why the Americans are so peeved about our supplements! I mean, we’re not complaining about their Flintstone vitamins or their Monster Zero Ultra!”

A top-level athlete to watch in the first-ever Slapping Olympic event is Tomislav Petrov, who has won every Slapping event he’s partaken in so far. He’s been training for this sport since he was eight years old by bullying other children on the playground. Alexi Popov is yet another talented slapper. As a newcomer to the scene, he doesn’t have many competitions under his belt. However, he put on a stellar performance in the bracket by virtue of being 8’2’’ and won as his gigantic hand demolished his opponents' cheekbones.

International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach had this to say on the addition of these new sports: “Jousting, Quidditch, Toe Wrestling, and Slapping will bring a fun new dimension to the previously boring and dull summer games. Who wants to see Michael Phelps win another medal and cash in on an Adidas sponsorship? Not me! That's why the people and I want to see fun and entertaining sports like Slapping! Who doesn’t want to see some teeth fly after a man gives another a good, hefty slap?”

Critics are concerned whether or not the increased amount of violence will detract from the integrity of the Olympic Games. When questioned, Bach remained stern on the fact that “It’ll be a heck of a lot of fun to watch!”