What Does the Humor Department Want for Christmas?

As one of the final touches to our absolutely special experience of 2020, the holiday season has arrived! We’ve had an entire year to contemplate what we could possibly want as our perfect gift. The Humor department presents our own record of desired gifts in hopes that Santa Claus will read our humble list and make our wishes come true.

Ethan: All I want for Christmas is a winter to wipe out the invading German forces.

Logan: All I want for Christmas is a pack of exclusively grape Fla-Vor-Ice freezer pops.

Krista: All I want for Christmas is a bucket of motivation and a frog (and/or any frog equivalents). :D

Nora: All I want for Christmas is a new MetroCard, like the good old times.

Lily: All I want for Christmas is bacon, avocado, and chipotle on a roll. #FerrysIMissYou

Olive: All I want for Christmas is stew… (Stewwww, baby!)

Asa: All I want for Christmas is to feel something—anything. I yearn for the mundane again, to enjoy the minor victories of narrowly making it on the train as the doors almost close on me or realizing it’s a conference day. I’d even settle for getting a chicken over rice only to realize the chef filled up the lid instead of the main part of the container, and so I get significantly less chicken over rice for the same price. But despite being scammed, I’d feel oddly proud.

Eshaal: All I want for Christmas is a kazoo: the world’s most annoying, blatant, obnoxious qualities packed into one neon plastic vessel. I think it's very representative of me as an individual. Or, even better, two kazoos. Coolest kid on the block coming through.

Erica: All I want for Christmas is some REAL people, not the ones that live on my screen.

Liesel: All I want for Christmas is divine right… or a farm, I don’t know.

Arshia: All I want for Christmas is snow that isn’t yellow because the neighbor’s dog peed on it and refused to clean it up or that disgusting mushy stuff at the side of the road that’s gray and brown and half-snow, half-water—the thing New Yorkers call “sludge” or “slush” after slushies. And I don’t want that sad excuse for snow that’s half a centimeter high that you can’t do anything with either. You can’t sleigh, build snow people, or make snowballs. And if the snow is powdery and dry, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SCREAM. I just… I just need some normal snow…

Tiffany: All I want for Christmas is Trader Joe’s entire stock of Mini Dark Chocolate Mint Stars.

Kelly: All I want for Christmas is for my writers to get their articles in on time. <3 (Just kidding. Love you all!) Also, if someone could get me either expensive Kyoho grapes or a nice skin for my game that would be cool.