What if Stuyvesant Was College-Worthy: The Elite Chapter

Following the release of a truly embarrassing New York Post article titled “New York City’s Top High School Ranks Among the Lowest in College Acceptance Rates,” the Student Union has taken action to rectify the alarming 99.97 percent rejection rate. During the morning announcements two days ago, Student Union President Ryan Lee said, “We must remain supreme against Brooklyn Tech. Our first step will be to remove any perceived degeneracy lurking within the school. None of you will be safe from our ‘professional’ institution.”

Like most students, junior and Humor Editor Erica Khen was confused by what exactly those words entailed, even after going through the 27-page “Formal Expectations Guide.” Therefore, she was surprised when she was given seven boxes immediately upon entering the building, each containing blank reference letters, medical forms, liability forms, COVID waivers, and more. They were all to be given to every student to be legally signed by their parents during the now five-minute homeroom, which has been renamed “Peer-Editing Period.”

“I know the Student Union has a lot of power, but I didn’t realize that my department was to be deemed unprofessional and essentially become the College Office!” Khen said while crumbling under the weight of the stack of boxes even taller than her.

Senior Caucus President Andrey Solokov was four hours late to school after being denied entry into the premises 15 times due to his disregard of the exact fine print directions of “wearing a black suit with a white dress shirt and a green tie” mentioned in the style guide. When he was finally granted admission after his 16th attempt, he rushed to AP of Social Studies Jennifer Suri’s office to try and make a program change into AP Government. “She refused me from the waiting list because of my SAT score,” he complained. “Is 1590 not enough for her?”

Later in the day at the Clubs & Pubs Fair, there were long lines of students in professional attire surrounding the office-like booths lining the hallways for their club admission tests and interviews. Freshman Shreya Troy admitted to reporters that she had originally planned not to attend the fair after her phone exploded from the amount of horrific texts she was receiving from friends recounting their terrible experience. However, the mere thought of getting free college interview prep by simply attending the fair compelled her to show up at Club Counter #74 (Stuy K-Pop).

“They first took us into the library to take a three-hour exam on K-Pop artists and culture, most of whom I didn’t even recognize,” Troy said. “I was so relieved when I was done, until I remembered that the interview part existed. The kid behind me was shaking in their chair, muttering ‘Stray Kids is J-Pop’ repeatedly while aggressively flipping through a binder. I found out why everyone was freaking out when I was then brought into a room to be interrogated by the Presidents of the club. I just wanted to learn more about K-pop—I didn’t realize that I needed to know the top 30 K-pop songs of 2018.” The same exact process happened when Troy visited Club Counter #32 (Girls Who Code), where Troy had to memorize and recite the Java User Manual word for word.

When filling out the Student Union’s Mandatory “Club & Pubs Experience and Improvement” Google Form, Troy wrote, “Oh it was traumatizing, real traumatizing. The Student Union has essentially become our very own pet College Board.”

The Spectator reckons that club sizes will dramatically decrease over the next school year, but we cannot confirm this as our reporters were fined and asked to leave the fair yesterday for not having a Student Union-approved writer’s permit.