What Not to Do at Thanksgiving Dinner

It’s November—the leaves are falling, there’s a chill in the air, your Common App is finally submitted, and every radio station has started playing Mariah Carey 24/7. But before Santa makes his way down the chimney, there’s one very special day that we still have to acknowledge. That’s right, Thanksgiving is upon us! An entire holiday centered around food—what can possibly go wrong? Well, a lot of things, actually. But that’s what we’re here for! Keep reading to learn what rookie mistakes to avoid if you want this Turkey Day to be one for the ages.

Don’t make your diet everyone else’s problem

Just because Cousin Abby is gluten-free doesn’t mean that everyone should have to be.  When she walks in the door, don’t give her any hugs.  Her kind of people respond only to cut-out ingredient lists from Honey Maid boxes. Even in the most innocuous conversations about school or the traffic getting to Hartford, Connecticut, every word they say drips with tofurkey and sadness.  If, by godly means, they make it through the first course without saying that their vegan chicken soup is just as good as the one everybody else is eating, bring out the main dishes in unlabeled tupperware and make them play anaphylaxis roulette.

Don’t make controversial statements at the dinner table

Having an entire family in one room is a disaster waiting to happen. Everybody knows that bringing up politics on Thanksgiving is basically a death wish. But even the most seemingly innocent opinions can set off the annual screaming match (my cousin once spent two hours arguing with my grandpa about the deeper meaning of Pixar’s Ratatouille). So please do us all a favor and strictly limit your conversation topics to the weather, taxes, and the color beige. 

Also, save the life updates for Facebook. Nobody really wants to hear you make that pregnancy announcement. We’re all hungry, and you’re just going to make Grandma cry.

Don’t let your kids prepare food

What do little kid snot and cupcake frosting have in common?  You ate them both simultaneously on Thanksgiving, 2018, and subsequently stayed in the pertussis unit of your local clinic until Mardi Gras began in February. Cousin Abby probably got her crusty lip flakes in the batter this year, and probably also just breathed too hard during the entirety of the baking process. Baked by Melissa is all that feels safe now. Good things come in small packages, like tie-dyed 4-millimeter cupcakes, but not little kids baking.

Don’t invite that one uncle

You all know who I’m talking about. He spends the entirety of dinner spewing his conspiracy theories to anyone who will listen—one year he says the government is controlled by lizard people; the next it’s that pigeons are actually drones sent to spy on us. He then spent the rest of the night shouting at the football game on TV and trying to teach the kids how to commit tax fraud. Not to mention, he always double-dips in the appetizers. Literally nobody enjoys his presence, and he claims that Thanksgiving is a “hoax” anyway. It’s really a win-win situation if he’s not invited.

So, what’s our takeaway here? The worst part of Thanksgiving is being with your family. But if you avoid these fatal errors, it’ll all be worth it for the gleaming pile of food at the end of the night. Just as long as there’s no tofurkey.