What Really Goes Into Your College Rec

So after 10 hours of preparing a pleading speech and 10 more of on-the-floor begging, your teacher has finally decided to write you a letter of recommendation for college. Congratulations!

There are a variety of recs that your teachers can write, and it’s important to know which one will be written on your behalf so you know what to expect.

The “Why X” Recommendation:

These recommendations sound a lot like the college-specific supplemental essays you will write.

Instead of talking about “world-class faculty” and “a diverse student body that partakes in a variety of activities,” your teachers will speak highly of your “frequent contribution to class discussions” and “demonstrated curiosity in the field.” In fact, your teacher probably uses the same template to write the recommendation just like how they use the same handouts from 2004.

The Snake Recommendation:

Snake recommenders aren’t asked by students often, so when they’re asked, they know that you’re desperate to get into college.

Much like a snake, these teachers will sense your hopelessness and capitalize on it by including everything negative about you. They will include a log of every time you arrived late (with attached late slips), used a phone (with secret photographic evidence), or incorrectly answered a question when they called on you.

Snake recommenders are initially hard to spot, but once you have a class with one, it becomes very obvious. They will never give points back on a test even when they admit they are wrong, assign group projects on a whim, and try to be funny but actually end up making the entire class uncomfortable.

The Gas Recommendation:

This recommendation is 10 percent luck, 20 percent skill, 15 percent concentrated power of will, five percent pleasure, 50 percent pain, and 100 percent bravado for even considering to ask for a recommendation.

It’s mostly painful for this teacher to write you a letter of recommendation. You and your teacher both know that you finessed this class as much as you finessed in asking for a recommendation.

However, this teacher is a bro and isn’t about to do you dirty. Therefore, this teacher will attempt to “gas you up” for college admissions and exaggerate every interaction he/she has ever had with you.

It’s too bad that colleges will see right through it. It’s too bad that colleges won’t ever see your “whimsical and striking ability to attend class lectures despite being slouched over, snoring.”

The Unicorn Recommendation:

These recommendations are rarer than girls accepting my promposal. If you find a unicorn recommendation, pick the college of your dreams because that will be a college you’ll get an acceptance from (unless it’s MIT).

Unicorn recommenders are easy to spot. They’re incredibly laid back and you make sure not to take it for granted. You have a genuine interest in the subject they teach and can share a laugh with them on a daily basis. These teachers will pack their recommendations with anecdotes that illuminate your wholesome personality.

Teachers that give unicorn recommendations include Mr. Sandler and Mr. Strasser. I am forever thankful for their support and apologize if there is a significant increase in students asking them for recommendations this year.