What the Duck

Ducks.

Commonly seen as a cute and harmless species of waterfowl, Ducks are widely favored. But what most people don’t know is that Ducks are the #1 threat to humanity.

The physiology and nature of a Duck are specially built for conquering humanity. For example, Ducks are capable of flight, which makes it easier for them to infiltrate skyscrapers with highly classified documents. Also, Ducks fly in a V-shaped pattern. V is the first letter in the word video, and video is the first part of the word videotaping. Ducks are also never surprised. They keep at least one eye open at all times to record humanity through miniature cameras in their beady little eyes. The curvature of a Duck’s neck is also suspiciously shaped like a banana. Since bananas are yellow, and poison dart frogs can also be yellow, it can be safely concluded that the Ducks are trying to poison the entirety of humanity.

In order to prevent the further destruction of society as we know it, reporters from the Humor Department initiated an interview with a Duck taken from the Hudson River. Below is a transcript of the talk (the Duck’s dialogue has been translated for easier reading).

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[Set in a dark room with three chairs and a single candle.]

REPORTER 1: This is Operation Duckgate* from The Stuyvesant Spectator’s Humor Department, and we are now joined by Duck from the Hudson River.

REPORTER 2: Yes, thank you for joining us today, Duck.

DUCK: Where am I?

REPORTER 1: Let’s get started. First, why are you and your brethren taking over the world?

DUCK: Please let me go home. I have a wife and two children eagerly awaiting my return.

REPORTER 2: That makes sense, actually. Are the Ducks aware of how many lives their takeover of the world could change, or rather, ruin? It’s only been a week since the mayor was unfortunately overthrown by a Duck impostor, and I find it rather distressing that there is no longer someone much less eloquent than me left in the world.

DUCK: This is scaring me.

REPORTER 1: Certain sources report that Ducks can bark. Is that correct?

DUCK: Bark bark. Bark.

REPORTER 2: That is a very noble line of thought. If I may ask—

[At this moment, Principal Yu walks into the room and turns on the light to reveal a math classroom.]

PRINCIPAL YU: … Is this what The Spectator has been using their funds for?

*Operation Duckgate is a Duck-spying brigade operation created by the Spectator Humor Department. Its goals are to infiltrate the Ducks’ ranks using Duck costumes and play Duck sounds on the loudspeakers to let down the Ducks’ guard. By infiltrating Duck society, we can figure out the Ducks’ plans and save the world from the upcoming Duck invasion.

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The Ducks may be trying to hide their intentions, but we all know the truth. The next time you see a Duck, be sure to loudly express that you will not fall for their schemes and assert how much you would like to eat a banana-shaped Earth. This method has been proven to deter Ducks from possessing you for a period of 15 seconds.

Heed my advice, for soon we just might be living in a world of feathers where we do not throw breadcrumbs—we become the breadcrumbs.

**Disclaimer: Only a few Ducks were harmed in the creation of this article.