What Your Mask Reveals About You!

In the morning, little Johnson gets out of bed, walks to the bathroom, and looks in the mirror. He sees his eyes, lips, nose, dimples, eyebrows—all features that he has come to call his own. He puts on his mask and gets ready to rumble in the outside world; sure, he can’t see his face anymore, but he’s still Johnson, and the mask is but a mere accessory. For the rest of us—his peers, customers, boss, and others—that could not be further from the truth. In a way, it’s a blessing. People don’t have to see Johnson’s face before they decide how they feel about him. Instead, they have to make those decisions based on what they can see: the mask on his face. Join me as I discuss what the masks you don every day can reveal about the ogre—I mean person—that lurks underneath.

Number 1: Blue Surgical Mask

Ah, the old surgical mask. The standard that can never go wrong. You, my friend, aren’t too risky. You’re practical and pragmatic. You understand the assignment and deliver appropriately. Yeah, you know you sacrifice some class and elegance to get your way, but who cares, right? I mean, this is a mask we’re talking about; it’s not meant to be a beauty product.

Nonetheless, you are definitely quite boring. There are simply too many like you. Perhaps you’d have some identity of your own if you didn’t wear the same mask day after day after day, but that’s not the case, is it? Sure, you know what’s really necessary to keep yourself from being an outcast, but is that all that important if you’re Mx. Bare Minimum? The kind of person that has to be urged by his mommy to ask their crush out? You might be saying, “But almighty and handsome author sir, to whom I owe everything, I am very interesting, especially when I am able to take the mask off and be expressive!” Yeah, totally.

Number 2: Black Masks

Ah, the old black mask. When you first started roaming the streets with it, everyone’s eyes were on you. When people saw how your black mask complemented the clothes you wore or the hairstyle you bore, they saw a confident individual who strives to surpass the bare minimum. (However, when you keep your mask on IN YOUR OWN HOUSE for Instagram posts, one also starts to wonder...)

But alas, with time the mystique diminishes until it eventually disappears altogether. Too many people have tried to enhance their face with the black mask; you all are a little more prominent than the blue surgical maskers today, but not that different.

Now, I can see that you are devastated. I’m sorry honeybun, but someone had to deliver the harsh news. Anyway, dry off those nasty little tears, because papa’s got a solution for you. To really rock the black mask persona, you just have to undergo one simple procedure: sell your soul. Change everything, including your hairstyle, fashion sense (if you have one), and personality (if you have one). Become an emo anime character or something. Then, put on the black mask and never take it off again—not even when you go to sleep or shower. Let it become a part of you. Then, and only then, will the black mask fit your mold.

Number 3: N95

Ah, the old N95er. Anyone who puts on this bad boy means business. No, they’re not trying to be friends with you, and if you try to be their friend, they’ll, I dunno, bite you or something. One look into their sharp, serious eyes tells you all that you need to know. They understand their purpose in this world: to lurk in the shadows and intimidate—nothing more, nothing less. Literal NPCs.

Number 4: Colored Cloth Coverings

Ah, the old Triple C. You are good at everything. And I mean everything. For that, I really hate you. I mean, you’re funny, probably pretty smart, and popular. With your signature pretty mask, I suppose it’s easy to get that attention.

Have you ever been directly unkind to me? No. Does that invalidate my feelings? Maybe.

But the world is not a place for hatred. So next time, when you look at yourself in the mirror right after you wake up, show yourself a little sympathy. And show me some, too, by covering up your face with a mask of your choosing so I can pretend that you don’t have features and that you are exactly how I imagine you to be. Thank you in advance.