What Your MP1 Grades Say About You

WOOHOO GUESS WHAT TIME OF THE YEAR IT IS!!! Yes, marking period one has just ended; your homeroom teacher is going to be giving out your report card while silently (or not so silently) judging your grades, and YES, inspect element does work and you CAN change those U’s into E’s before your parents check their e-mail. But do you really want to? There is extremely trustworthy scientific evidence that supports the hypothesis that I’m an extremely trustworthy science person here to tell you about the completely factual link between grades and your worth. Why wouldn’t you trust me? I got my degree off of Craigslist; some little girl offered me a certificate for 30 cents and a lollipop. How could I refuse?

But anyway, how does this game work? Easy, it’s just simple math. For every E you’ve gotten, add one point; for every S, add two; for every N, add three; and for every U, add four. Add up all your points and match the number with the following intervals. If you couldn’t complete this step, don’t worry, I have a section for you too.

If you couldn’t add: I feel you. This is not your fault. You’re either part of the “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE” section of our audience or the “I flung my TI-84 Plus CE against the wall while playing Pacman so I’m really at a disadvantage” crowd. You’re a whole 9.9e^34562381/10. Imagine doing unnecessary math just because some random article in a school newspaper told you to. Who even does that? What are you, a teenage girl from a Disney movie with a pear phone, filling out every existing magazine quiz? A millennial on BuzzFeed figuring out what color cat hair she is based on her personality? NO, no, you are not and I’m proud of you for it. You’re an independent person and this quiz will totally (not) define who you are as a person, so don’t waste too many tissues sobbing over your score :)

7 - 16 (Wow, what a try-hard): You’re either mostly 1s and 2s, or you got a couple of 4s and 1s. I don’t know, I haven’t thought about the math that far. You get a sticker for being a good student, even though you’re probably boring as hell and have no life outside of your schoolwork. If you are in the 1s and 2s category: this is your brain cell count. Why, you ask? Because you used up the rest of them trying to cram for that AP Bio test that you ended up doing so well on but oH nO mY 99 aVerAgE wHaTevEr sHaLL I dO??? I bet this is the lowest grade you’ve ever gotten on a test (and I’m absolutely thrilled that it was because of me)! Now you can tell your parents that there are worse things than your A- on that English paper and marching to Principal Eric Contreras’s office will not solve this incredible dent in your academic career. Just kidding, you’re on that Harvard grind, so I’ll give you a three, I guess.

17 - 24 (Extra but ordinary): You’re kinda average but here’s your time to shine! A whole 9.98/10. Not much to say about you; I guess you’re an okay student. I bet you wish you could be like the try-hard, but you give one less damn than they do about their grades. Admirable.

25 - 32 (Average, I guess): I’m tired of doing the math to see who would get this score. BuzzFeed hasn’t hired me yet, so I’ll get back to you. My sincerest apologies. For now, you’re just that student who neither gets praised nor yelled at by the teacher (AKA you’re basically invisible), but that’s a superpower in and of itself, so you’re good.

33 - 40 (The hidden genius): A whole 9.9e^4234587645698, I won’t even put the “/10.” You’re that one person who doesn’t go to school because “you can’t fail your tests if you don’t take them.” You’re the true success story in this school; maybe donate a few brain cells to your friends in the 7-16 category. You’ve reached some next level of enlightenment, dude.

>40 (Is this possible?): Sis, how many classes are you taking, dang. Are you a Capricorn or something?

“There is extremely trustworthy scientific evidence that supports the hypothesis that I’m an extremely trustworthy science person here to tell you about the completely factual link between grades and your worth.”