What Your Pet Says About You

If you’re reading this, chances are you own a pet (if you don’t, you’re lame). Believe it or not, your pet of choice correlates directly to your personality, and this fun guide will psychoanalyze you based on your furry (or feathered or gilled or scaly) friend! Apologies in advance to bird owners.

Dog

You always need to be the center of attention—you love your dog more than your own mother and make it everyone else’s problem. You wake up at ungodly hours to take your obnoxiously loud chihuahua on walks, and you constantly cancel plans because “poor Spot has a fever.” You blow your entire bank account on squeaky toys, organic treats, and tiny puffer coats. You even faked blindness to sneak your dog into “no pet” spaces. It’s great that you care so much about your pet, but please, get a life.

Cat

You wanted a dog but remembered you don’t actually want to leave your house, so now you’re stuck with a hairy bum who throws up on the carpet and definitely doesn’t like you. Still, you find yourself adopting a new cat every three months, so now your home looks (and smells) like a petting zoo. You may be a bit of a jerk at times, but overall you’re a generally likable person. Oh, you also hate Mondays and love lasagna.

Bird

You have no friends. Do you wanna know why? Because you are extremely obnoxious and think you’re better than everyone—so, like a bird, you never shut up. You spend all your free time talking to your stupid parakeet about politics and the stock market because “nobody else understands you,” when, in reality, nobody else likes you.

Goldfish

You’re irresponsible but humble. You’ve chosen a relatively lame pet because you know your limits. You once tried to take care of a plant, but it died within 12 hours, and you realized goldfish are actually lower maintenance. Sure, you may have gone through five fish in the last six months, but that’s just a sign of your perseverance and optimism (maybe the next one will make it to its half-birthday!). Oh, and you might wanna go check on Finn. I think he just jumped out of his tank.

Tarantula 

Stop trying to turn into Spider-Man. It’s not gonna happen.

Hamster

You are very kind but let others take advantage of you. Like a hamster on a wheel, you are trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-doubt (woah, look at that metaphor #deep). Sometimes you feel like nobody even notices you. However, there is hope! If you eat all your vegetables tonight, a magical fairy will visit you in your sleep and grant you the confidence you need to stand up for yourself. Huzzah! Also, you’re probably really short.

Lizard

If you own a lizard, you have zero character flaws. Everyone who knows you either wants to be you or be with you. You are the coolest person alive and you know it, but it doesn’t go to your head because you’re too busy feeding crickets to your bearded dragon. You are also extremely attractive and have incredible music taste.

These classifications are scientifically proven to be more accurate than zodiac signs, so please use them to determine all future life decisions. If your pet wasn’t listed here, you’re kind of irrelevant (looking at you, hermit crabs). Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go clean my iguana enclosure.