What Your Pre-Test “Teachers” Say About You

Picture this: it’s late at night (Or is it early in the morning? It can get a bit ambiguous at 2:30 a.m.) before your next extremely important test that’s worth 50 percent of your entire grade. Unfortunately, you decided to procrastinate until said time (2:30 a.m.) like the typical Stuyvesant student you are. You open the exam outline (if you’re lucky enough to have a teacher that provides one) that your teacher has oh-so-helpfully provided on Google Classroom and decide to skim through it.

“What is this? Did we learn this in class? Oh my god I’m actually screwed” are probably the only things running through your mind, and you know that at 2:30 a.m., all of your teachers are off getting their beauty sleep (after all, you have to look your best when you decimate your students’ GPAs). As you go through your fourth mental crisis of the month, you wonder, “Who should I turn to?”

Your answer: online, and we will be judging your selections <3.

Quizizz:

We’re sorry, but we gotta break it to you: you have low standards. Quizizz tries to be “fun,” but all it really does is stress you out even further by trying to compete against you in a 20:1 game. The usage of Quizizz truly does reveal one’s character. You’re either really screwed (this is the last resort of last resorts) or an extreme nerd because you burned through all of your other resources.

College Board:

Are you okay? No one, and we mean no one, would willingly touch the College Board site even with their life on the line. However, even though we’re sure that everyone hates them, College Board does have a few helpful videos (emphasis on few), and its practice problems are the real gold—mainly because your teacher copies and pastes them into their tests. Needless to say that the College Board does require you to sell your soul and life savings for the AP tests, which is really the only reason why you’re taking any AP courses at all.

Duolingo:

You need therapy. ASAP. Even your guidance counselors will be better than nothing. You clearly have an obsession with being bugged and spammed via e-mail. You need to make healthier language teacher choices (VHL is always there if you need them). You might be able to learn some things, but overall, it’s not too great unless you have $100 to spend after you get five questions wrong (which, at this point in time, will happen frequently). We mean, who starts learning a language from just vocabulary? Even an elementary student could probably teach you a language better. Please, we’re begging you for your own well-being. Just go with VHL. Less creepy and better at reviews. Even Conjuguemos would be better, though expect to develop anger problems and an eternal hatred towards frogs—so it’s really a “pick your poison” scenario.

Khan Academy:

How… interesting. We see that you are the type of student who’s into educators with the personality of a wet sock. What is it about Mr. Khan Academy that makes him your preferred source of studying? Is it the random tangents he goes off on every five minutes? Is it the fact that watching him make 42 mistakes every video and perform overly complex solutions shows a comforting resemblance to you? Or is it the entertainment your brain gets at 2:30 a.m. from hearing Mr. Khan sound drunk even at normal speed? Frankly, we’d rather just not study at all.

Albert:

You’re a masochist. Not only are you a masochist, but you probably also take joy in being berated and called an idiot in 20 different stats and percentages. You might score really high on your test (especially if it’s an AP subject), but is it really worth going through Hell and back again just for a couple of tests? Unfortunately, for most of us, that answer is probably yes.

Organic Chemistry Tutor (OCT):

Ahhh, you are a student with taste and standards—not very common among those who procrastinate on studying until 2:30 a.m. I see you’ll achieve much success on your exams, mainly because Organic Chemistry Tutor is the GOAT. Need help with organic chemistry? OCT. Need help with biology? OCT. Need help with math and statistics? OCT. Need help with your crippling anxieties? OCT. So much for being an “organic chemistry” tutor; this guy literally be our life coach and do better than some “professionals.” Seriously, someone needs to promote this guy from “Organic Chemistry Tutor” to “Organic Chemistry Professor” since he’s probably more qualified than some of your teachers.

Google Translate:

How desperate are you? Do you even know what language course you are taking? You’ll be better off with Duolingo…

Still here? You should go back to studying for your test—we wish you the best of luck.