What Your Quarantine Activity Says About You

Ms. Rona has kept us trapped in our houses for one and a half months as of May 1! Of course, that means we have to come up with new ways of running from our problems, all without leaving the safety and comfort of our own homes. Instead of succumbing to the darkness of being alone with our thoughts, everyone is trying something new. Here is my 100 percent real, factual, evidence-based analysis of the type of person you are based on your quarantine activities.

If you’re going on family walks, you’re too afraid of your parents to tell them you don’t want to spend time with them. You also live in Brooklyn.

If you’re binge-watching Netflix, you think you’re super hip and trendy, but you’re really just annoying! Have fun living with yourself, because no one else does!

If you’re listening to music, you’re actually a qualified culture expert.

If you’re learning TikTok dances, I hope you get the virus. I don’t have anything to say about your personality.

If you’re going outside for non-essential reasons and hanging out with friends, you’re gonna catch these hands! Stay home!

If you’re actually doing your schoolwork, you’re a nerd, but you’re also the only one of your friends who isn’t getting beaten by their parents. Stay strong, my fellow scholars.

If you’re baking, you’re the favorite child right now.

If you’re trying to study for the SAT or the ACT, either your parents are really strict, or you’re a people pleaser who shouldn’t be trusted.

If you’re doing something creative like writing, making music, or painting, quarantine has affected you more than the average person, and this is your coping mechanism. You tell yourself it’s helping, but in reality, it's just giving you an even bigger existential crisis!

If you’re exercising, I doubt you can even READ this article from your high, high, oh so very high horse. You also are way too worried about your self-image.

If you’re just doing nothing proactive to help your future self, you should become a part of the federal government. You’ll fit right in!

If you’re learning a new language or other skill, you are filled with seething, unbridled rage for the Ice Age Baby. I don’t understand you, but I respect you.

If you’ve succumbed to the void that is your own mind and are drowning in the realization of the extent of your childhood trauma that has shaped you into the disgusting, decrepit leech on society’s back that you are today, congratulations!