Which Bubble Tea Are You Based on the APs You Take?

It’s probably been a minute since your ego took a hit in either direction, unless you’ve had a test recently. Listen, I’m not doubting your abilities, but every class I take is a whole new can of worms, so if you feel this way too, I send you an imaginary hug. The AP classes you choose to take say a lot about you, and, as a second term senior, I’ve seen it all. Every person is easily categorizable, so I’ve taken the liberty to categorize people who choose to take certain AP classes as bubble teas. If you get all up in arms because you’re taking multiple AP classes and are a multi-faceted human being, take it up with anyone but me. Enjoy the experience!

AP Computer Science

Matcha with grass jelly. I have nothing against this class, but y’all have a certain energy. Matcha is necessary for you to stay focused and keep track of all your brackets (I’d rather not discuss my handwritten Intro to CS tests sophomore year—yeah, I don’t know how I got four extra parentheses either), and the grass jelly perfectly represents how much I know about computer science. I don’t know what grass jelly is made of, and I don’t know how to open a new tab, let alone code a whole program, so I find this fitting. Of course, you all are getting light ice because you think you can cheat the system to get a higher drink to cup ratio… Go back to Minecraft if you want to use some cheats because this is not the place for them.

AP Art History

Lavender with popping bubbles. I’ve come to romanticize art history, so if you have no positive sentiments regarding this class, look away. To me, this class has the same energy you feel when roaming a museum alone in a pair of comfortable, yet assertive, shoes. You float from exhibit to exhibit almost weightlessly, searching for the painting of your life, hence the lavender. This one extravagant painting you see in some obscure room that you spent three hours wandering to come across was so worth it, hence the popping bubbles. While you may be uncomfortable with its taste at first, you’ll grow accustomed to the pop and learn to enjoy it. All in all, 9/10—y’all are doing great.

AP Biology

The following statements only apply to the freshmen taking this course. Milk black tea with bubbles; this is the absolute baseline order, as this is usually what every overachieving freshman takes when they first pop into Stuy (as a recovering overachieving freshman, I can concur). Nothing crazy is going on here since you probably already took Living Environment, so, you know, you already know basic biology. However, for a first-timer, this is absolutely revolutionary. The bubbles are confusing, the milk is contrasting, yet the tea is notable—it might even be overwhelming for some. Like, you may think you know what cellular respiration is, but I dare you to recite all the steps of the Krebs cycle and the exact byproducts right now. Exactly. Chances are, you can’t. Yet as you age in your wisdom, there’s truly nothing out of the ordinary here, so everything calms down as you embrace the basic energy.

AP Chemistry

Durian with rainbow jelly. The following statements only apply to the juniors taking this. My absolute favorite. I loved this class, and I love this order. bUt kRiStA, dUrIaN sUcKs! Okay, then don’t get this drink… An absolutely polarizing class, I dub this. Fifty percent of the people in this class are there out of the expectation to take 30 AP courses, and the other 50 percent are there because they thought this was going to be just like the fun time they had in sophomore year chemistry. While both the class and the drink were a little jarring at first, both grew on me fairly quickly. Rainbow jelly is nostalgic to me, and durian is just a nice flavor—all the haters have too much time on their hands to say it smells like farts. The durian settles after a bit while the rainbow jelly keeps you excited because duh, the pretty colors are great; the class did the same thing to me. Constantly excited (sometimes negatively, but we don’t talk about that), yet somehow always subtly present. This doesn’t make sense if you don’t know how durian affects those who enjoy it, so carry on if you don’t get what I just said.

AP US History

Winter melon with nata jelly. I tried to force myself to enjoy winter melon, but now I can proudly say I don’t. I get bored after four sips, and nata jelly is like an amorphous form of a piña colada. Listen, I like pineapple OR coconut, but not both. Pineapple is meant to be tangy and uplifting while coconut is meant to soothe the soul. Having the two of them together confuses me even to this day. Look, while I despise the basics of this drink, I’ll ingest it if I have to, much like this class. I thought it would be a spirited experience, but I left feeling like no one in our government had any redeeming qualities. It took me a few months to reverse being an existential critic simply by not being exposed to heavy debates on Coolidge’s uselessness or similar topics. Not a good look for me, I must say. Overall, 3/10—I would not take it again if given the chance.

AP Calculus BC

Thai tea with coffee jelly. I may only be in AP Calc AB, but I’ve been watching the BC kids from a rather close distance. For the most part, I see constant sleep deprivation and confusion comparable to dolphins swimming in shark-infested waters. Therefore, I’ve done you all a favor and given you the strongest caffeinated beverage I know. Much like the class, don’t let the innocent name of the drink fool you. Thai tea takes your nerves to a whole new level. It’s a gradual wake up call; one time I drank Thai tea at 8 p.m. and could not sleep until 4 a.m. the following morning. Thank the heavens I did that on a weekend, but I’ve learned my lesson. The BC kids are eons ahead of anything I could have ever conceived to exist in any sort of math, much like the sheer strength of Thai tea and coffee jelly. I feel for you if you’ve walked into either the class or gotten the beverage with low expectations and got pummeled under both of their impacts.

AP Environmental Science

Rose oolong with pudding. Right off the bat, you can picture how this is such an aesthetically pleasing drink. Much like AP Art History, I’ve romanticized APES to a certain extent. Imagine walking into a room of unsuspecting individuals and reciting every fact you know about the composition of dirt. Dirt facts seem useless at first, but I’d assume they could be fun things to know. I like roses, I like oolong, and I like pudding. While they’re not my favorites, they’re fine. Kids who take APES are equally fine. A good number of my friends took APES, and obviously I have nothing negative to say about them. An 8/10, so keep it up.

AP Spanish (Language and Culture)

Taro with red bean. Now here’s where half of you yell at me again. Taro is not a bad flavor, and red beans are great. No, it doesn’t taste like wood; leave me alone. I can understand hatred toward durians, but taro and red beans are just too tame to hate. Much like the class, taro and red beans are great. The class turned into a fun period of me expanding my linguistic horizons, much like how this drink expanded my beverage horizons. I initially ordered my first taro milk tea on a whim and I do not regret it. Overall, I enjoy both the class and the drink, so 10/10.

And there you have it, folks. My cards are all laid out on the table; take them as you will. Anyway, I dare you to try the drink I’ve generously labeled you as. Tell me what you think about it (or not)—it really doesn’t matter to me. Toodles!