Who Is Alek Iannelli?

After attending this school for over two years, I’ve had to deal with lots of nuisances, such as schoolwork, family drama, and my abusive editors (please send help). I’m pretty sure plenty of people can relate to my suffering, but no one in this school has suffered as much as junior Alek Iannelli.

Born and raised in Brooklyn, he was destined for tragedy from a very young age. A quiet individual, Iannelli was a classic introvert and played with himself often. This changed when he found himself having lunch with junior Maya Graves. Annoyed at Iannelli’s weak attempt to crack a hard-boiled egg, she decided to go crack it open herself. Impressed by such a raw display of power, Iannelli felt he found his soulmate.

Each day after that, he would always sit near Graves seeking her company. Though she would often flip him off, she occasionally gave Iannelli a Hershey Kiss and let him sit at her table. After hearing about her love of history, Iannelli was motivated to do better in that class. Finding various documents such as the White House’s beer recipe, he vigorously read each article despite not knowing what three-fourths of the words meant. With his knowledge, he participated for the first time in class after hearing about John Adams’s alcoholism. Diving into an eight-minute speech about fermentation, yeast, and sugar, he left the entire classroom speechless. He was then sent to the principal’s office, where his parents were informed of their son’s actions. Furious with such an inappropriate event, Iannelli’s mother decided to use a slipper on her son, tiger-mom style. As he left the office trying to dodge his mother, Graves was disgusted by Iannelli.

After almost six years of knowing her, he never mustered the courage to ask her out. Attempting to overcome his fear of talking to people, he found a group of friends by talking about real football and conspiracy theories. Having a following of people for the first time in his life, he mustered up the courage to ask her out.

Knowing Graves’s taste for athletic men, Iannelli decided to buff himself up. After a week of drinking protein shakes and eating romaine lettuce, he asked her to play tennis.

Iannelli was confident in his victory. He would win, allow her to get 15 points (he had to let one ball go to be nice), ask her out, and live his life in peace.

Unfortunately, this plan greatly backfired. Not only did he realize that tennis was much harder than it looked, but Iannelli also forgot about Graves’s strength. Graves turned out to be a very experienced tennis player. Turning into a game of dodgeball, Iannelli ended up losing 1-0 (he didn’t even get 15 points) to Graves. Asking her out anyway, he became even more depressed after she called him out on not knowing how to crack open an egg at the age of 16.

He never let Graves go from his mind. Only having history to comfort him, it broke what was left of his heart when he remembered that he once wrote about his love life and received a four out of seven on an AP Euro DBQ. As AP Euro teacher David Hanna wrote on the DBQ, “Hit or miss, I thought they never missed, but I’m thankfully wrong this time.”