Wild Turkeys and Witches Threaten School Safety

Thanksgiving is still two weeks away, and you’re probably thinking about a turkey dinner and awkwardly declining your aunt’s “specialty” sweet potato casserole. You’re thinking about playing with your cousins and putting Lactaid in their mashed potatoes. However, a turkey dinner won’t be happening in New York anytime soon. Live turkeys are chasing after Stuyvesant students in stairwells and neighborhood spots, and they cannot be tamed. How do they do this? They hide out with geese in Rockefeller Park until 3:30 p.m. when school ends. The turkeys poop just like those geese in the park, and make life worse for the neighborhood. Thankfully, Mr. Moran, head of security, called the police, and we saw SWAT helicopters circling Rockefeller Park that night soon after. The owner of Terry’s, an affordable deli nearby, said, “They broke into my store, ate all of the Hostess cupcakes, and shotgunned all of the Arizona cans because the holes in the cans looked like beaks!” Turkeys have been chasing after Stuyvesant students who were running late to class. It might be a ploy for teachers annoyed by students who arrive a minute late to a 10th-floor Art Appreciation class or PE teachers who want everyone to pass the PACER test. I support catching these turkeys, chopping off one of their legs, and replacing it with a wooden leg so we have multiple Pegleg mascots to intimidate opponents in our football matches. Maybe this will improve the performance of the Stuyvesant football team. It seems like the turkey species is fed up with being seasoned and cooked each November. They might be looking for class warfare, but we need peace this Thanksgiving. 

Remember, however, that you aren’t completely safe from devious individuals. Our highly placed (and totally real!) sources have noticed flying saucers, old and twisted brooms, and warty women circling the school and student homes. The Spectator had to investigate some of these strange phenomena.

The Spectator found out that witches have been targeting our community. Yes, Halloween isn’t over for them. They want to destroy our grades and therefore our respectability. Physics grades have been dropping for juniors at Stuyvesant lately. Physics teachers said that they haven’t done anything to impede the performance of their students and that everyone should be scoring high 90s in their classes. That is the wrong reaction to their students’ actions (Newton’s Third Law). We found that many juniors have been suffering from “I-left-my-TI-84-at-home” syndrome, “I-don’t-have-a-number-two-pencil” syndrome, and most influential, “Blanking-out-on-tests” syndrome. These witch-induced conditions have prevented students’ stellar cramming methods from working. We think the reason behind this lies in people’s diets. For example, people are still eating candy corn cereal (why…just why?) for breakfast and Snickers bars for dinner. Personally, I’m surviving on a Twix-only diet; my doctor has warned me of “diabetes” but I’ll stop before then. Perhaps these high-sugar diets are compromising the body and brain, but think about all that ATP! 

Later, we gathered evidence of evil witches messing with Stuyvesant seniors’ college applications. One senior said, “I got home and my entire Naviance account was populated with Quidditch broomsticks and three ugly silhouettes, flying around the screen cackling while holding goblets! It felt like a scene out of Macbeth, so I decided to apply to BMCC immediately in case I still have to complete my swim gym requirement at Stuy.” 

These witches have also tried to prevent the good parts of Halloween from taking place. Freshmen gifted each other Boograms because some of them had too much homework to go trick-or-treating. Studious freshmen in the library wearing their PE uniforms five hours after their PE class were mugged in broad daylight by the witches. However, the security guards on the second floor weren’t going to make it to the sixth floor in time. We asked one student who couldn’t even remember the face of the creature that robbed her. She said she felt dizzy as a broomstick and a tall, pointy hat spun around her faster than the due dates of the assignments she was trying to complete on Google Classroom! It could be a Slytherin on a “Nimbus-2000” or a rival to our intellect, Ravenclaw. 

Now, everyone knows about this crazy phenomena at Stuyvesant High School. We hope that the witches will disappear and fly over to Bronx Science, Brooklyn Tech, or Ohio. Still, as we approach Thanksgiving weekend, the threat to our holiday is alive, unseasoned, and showing its true colors—or feathers—as some see it as an off-brand peacock.