Wrestling is Not Gay

A few days ago, the longtime coach of the wrestling team, Luther Wrestler-man, went off the rails when two lacrosse players started calling wrestling gay. Coach Wrestler-man was found running through the halls of Stuyvesant, overturning benches and shouting, “WRESTLING IS NOT A GAY SPORT.”

In order to get to the bottom of why the coach reacted so poorly, The Spectator decided to interview several wrestlers to get the inside scoop. Here are a few responses:

Senior and co-captain Alwin Peng stated, “Honestly I can see where the lacrosse players are coming from. When I was a freshman, I remember seeing one of the captains pinning someone, and right after the ref called the pin, the captain jumped up, pointed to the other guy, and shouted, “HE GRABBED MY CROTCH.” The entire gym heard him and burst out laughing. So it might seem gay to the uninitiated.”

Senior and co-captain Clarence Cheng said, “There’s really an unfair stigma toward wrestlers when it comes to that. I mean, I’m just talking to my friends, and out of nowhere, they imply that I might be interested in waxing someone else’s carrot just because I wrestle. Imagine coach having to deal with that his whole life.”

Junior captain George Bong stated, “Coach was always one of the calmest people I’ve ever met. I don’t know why he would do something like that; I guess 50 years of getting called gay gets to you. I mean it’s a very serious problem that nobody addresses. We have gay pride marches and all that, but what about a march for those straight guys who keep getting called gay? That’s oppression, too. It’s the number one cause of depression for men in America.”