YOU COULD BE NEXT...

The Zombie Apocalypse has finally arrived at Stuy, and you may be next. Have you or any of your friends “mysteriously” felt dizzy and disoriented in class? Have you felt a tickle in your throat or just generally “eh”? If you can answer yes to any of these (and not just because you don’t want to take your test tomorrow), then you have been contaminated.

First things first, you’re probably thinking that the Zombie Apocalypse is just a made-up phenomenon from “The Walking Dead.” While it is highlighted in “The Walking Dead,” it is by no means made up. I urge you, fellow Stuyvesant students, to look around as you walk through the hallways, and you will see zombies.

How to tell if someone (or even you, yourself) is a zombie? Simple. Here are The Spectator’s top three ways to tell if someone is a zombie.

1. They have dark circles under their eyes.

2. They complain about walking up the stairs.

3. They say they’re dead inside (this is perhaps the most obvious, yet the most overlooked).

Now you are probably wondering how this was spread: Were you bitten by a zombie spider in your sleep? Do the water fountains still have lead in them? Well, we have answers. The Stuyvesant Research Club has analyzed the DNA of every sick person and decided that there is a simple explanation—the coffee from the breakfast cart outside of Amore Pizza is contaminated. So if you suggested that your friend who looked tired grab a coffee, newsflash, you turned them into a zombie.

Oh, and did I mention that there’s no cure (the Stuyvesant Research Club is working double time to find one)? But this doesn’t mean you can’t try to prevent it. The first thing to do to prevent becoming the living dead is to skip school. Maybe not forever, but for at least several months. The second thing to do is to stop studying—when you’re studying, how can you stay on constant alert for zombies? And lastly, DO NOT sleep or drink any coffee. The last point is SUPER important so that you can blend in with the zombies (well, and because you never know what coffee could be contaminated).

Good luck, Stuyvesant.