You’ve Been Writing BooGrams Wrong

It’s October, which only means one thing: BooGrams! Whether you’re someone who’s been saving your precious money for boba  to send all 800 of your Instagram followers BooGrams or someone who’s going to confess to your crush with a BooGram (...no comment), we’ve got the perfect BooGram template for you! Even if you’ve already created your own templates, ours are definitely superior. Throw away your crusty love letter drafts, touch some grass, and prepare to be blown away!

Template #1: To your favorite teacher

You’re absolutely bombing all of your other classes, which is why you’re planning on making yourself the talk of the teachers’ lunchroom with a thoughtful BooGram! Except, you’re not sure how students talk to teachers thanks to your lack of social interaction, so we present to you a super swaggy yet formal template that might even score you a free college recommendation!

“Ayo [insert favorite teacher’s name],

What up my g!!! I really appreciate you cuz you’re saving my GPA from a colossal breakdown. Actually, maybe I am having a breakdown right now from all the stress that’s been piling on, and it’s ONLY October. It’s all good, though. I just wanted to say I love your class so so so so much and you have increased my passion for [insert subject] so much that I’ve decided to major in it for college and teach it here at Stuy in the future! We can definitely be teacher buddies!! Have a great Halloween!

[OPTIONAL, for seniors] P.S.: Can I have a letter of recommendation for college? I’m not trying to say this BooGram is a bribe, but maybe it kind of is :) 

Warm hugs,

[insert name]”  

Template #2: To a friend

It’s been a tradition since freshman year for you to send your best friends BooGrams to express your overflowing love for them and so you can propose to them for a fifth time. This year, however, you want to bring something extra to the table. Spice it up a little, sort of like that extra-seasoned chicken they serve in the cafeteria! Fear not! We have a juicy, tender BooGram for you to send to your friends, so maybe their increased heart rate will distract them from the alarmingly thick stack of K-pop photocards you have in your phone case!

“To my only pookie wookie boo boo bear honey sweety cutie patootie pie sugar boo strawberry muffin cake [insert friend’s name],

Oh em gee, happy Halloween! I can’t believe we’re, like, a tenth of the way through the school year already. Suffering in [insert class, better if it’s an AP class] has been so worth it since I met you. I’ve enjoyed drinking [insert drink, e.g., boba] in overpriced Manhattan cafes and crying over homework with you so much! We better stay friends for the rest of our lives because I have formed a deep emotional (cough cough trauma) connection with you! Also, please Venmo me $1 for the price of this BooGram (unless you also bought me one, then we’re chill). I can’t hand out free money. 

Your 100 percent bestie,

[insert name]” 

Template #3: To your crush

From the first time you saw the luxurious, shiny hair of the person assigned to sit in front of you, you’ve been absolutely in love. Fine, maybe you just switched seats yesterday, but the saying is love at first sight, not love after multiple sights and contemplation or whatever. If you were too scared to confess to your previous day-old crushes, here’s your time to shine because there’s no time like the present! We’ve handled many situations like this, and we’ve got the perfect message that encapsulates all of your adorkable Stuy nerdiness.

“Dearest [insert a cute nickname you have for your crush, like ‘pineapple’],

What’s your Halloween costume? Because you sure look like the love of my life <3

Anyway, did you like my pickup line? I hope you’re having a very, very lovely Halloween thus far! Even though you might not know who I am, ever since the first time I saw you in [insert class/other places], you have conquered my heart like how Napoleon took over half of Europe. To this end, I have spent $2 out of my meager net worth to purchase these pieces of candy to express my genuine love for you. My adoration has no limits, much like the domain of a polynomial. If you were to accept my humble confession, my serotonin levels would be off the charts. If not, I will have to calculate the angle at which to launch myself off the top of the Stuyvesant building to achieve maximum velocity toward the ground.

Your greatest admirer,

[insert name]” 

Template #4: To your least favorite teacher

Okay, so maybe you don’t have a least favorite teacher, but there’s definitely a class you’re… “slacking” in. It’s clear that you’re far from being that teacher’s favorite student, but being the Stuy student that you are, you decide to kiss up to that teacher by sending them a BooGram. In that case, with the help of our very own expert sophomore AP Chem taker, we’ll make sure your teacher will love you so much as to give you a 100-point curve on every test you take.

“Dear [insert teacher’s name],

I hope you are well. I have learned through certain channels that you enjoy [chocolate/fruit candy]. While my grades in your class are not necessarily the best, I wanted to express that I hold your [insert subject] class in the highest regard. I study for 10 hours a day solely for this class, and I am extremely dedicated to learning about [insert subject]. Unfortunately, I have recently received a score of 10 on the latest test. Since 10 has the same number of significant figures as 100, a 10 is essentially the same as a 100. If you curve my grade, I will buy you even more [chocolate/fruit candy] and fancy chalk from Japan. I am sincerely begging you. 

Sobbing, crying, and vomiting right now,

[insert name]”

After reading through our templates, you’ve clearly become a pro at BooGram-ing, but now you might now have to find a way to get some BooGram money in the first place… Anyway, the moral of the story is: if you use OUR templates instead of your own, you too, can have a social life, good grades, and a significant other!!! Happy BooGraming, Stuy!

Disclaimer: We will not be providing refunds or apologies. We are also not responsible for the (very) possible downfall of your grades. Thank you for your cooperation.