Yu Are the Impostor

A controversy arose this week with the appearance of a mysterious individual claiming to be Stuyvesant’s true headmaster. The man appeared on Tuesday at 5:00 p.m., confronting all that were unlucky enough to leave the school via the Chambers Street Bridge. What was first believed to be nothing but belligerent hollering from the man soon turned suspicious when onlookers started to pay attention to his words.

The prestigious Humor Department sat down for an interview with a student who encountered the man on Tuesday evening.

“Man, it was terrifying. I thought it had to be Principal Yu even if he wasn’t facing me at first. Same stature, build, and that voice reminded me of the guy who was near the bridge at Camp Stuy. So yeah, it seemed a lot like him, but when he turned around, he had this weird scraggly beard, and his nose was all crooked. I was taken aback, but I’ve learned to deal with these unfortunate surprises because of all these masks, so I just kind of averted my eyes and listened,” he reported.

This student, along with other sources who all chose to remain anonymous (many asserting that they were “afraid of the Sus-meister”), reports that the man did indeed bear a shocking resemblance to our esteemed principal. They were terrified when the man told them that the being believed to be Principal Yu for some time now is no more than an impostor. Several sources claim the man stated that he was “the true head of the stupendously succulent Stuyvesant skeleton and body” and demanded to “speak with school officials immediately.” However, the man reportedly yelped and fled on foot, waddling away like “a penguin with some nerve damage in its joints” when a student told him that the authorities were going to fetch Principal Yu from the building, making the man’s threats slightly less menacing.

Nevertheless, it took little time for rumors to spread. While many believe that this individual was merely an attention-seeker who just happened to resemble the principal, others started to look more suspiciously at Mr. Yu when he roamed the hallways. They unrelentingly questioned and harassed the principal, leaving him no room to plan his next move.

This morning, one of our lovely freshman peers hijacked the morning announcements for the first time, causing some students to actually listen to them. She called out Principal Yu for avoiding our desperate pleas for answers before plugging her Stuyvesant Class of 2025 “tea”/”confessions” Instagram page. Later, three students were even suspended for playing the video “Among Us (Role Reveal) Sound Effect (HD)” on loop outside of Yu’s office for 30 excruciating minutes.

The situation escalated, however, when it was revealed that one student had taken a picture of the bridge-Yu on Wednesday. People used this image to create posters, highlighting various similarities between Yu and the Yu look-alike, from their hairlines to their cheekbone structure, and even their style (or lack thereof). One peer rented a large portable x-ray machine and snapped a few pictures of the principal when he arrived in the morning. The resulting images, posted on the Instagram account @stuyconfessionsntea25, were unsettling, to say the least.

But Yu has still not budged. Instead, he has busied himself with gathering donations for what he says are new plans to build another escalator, which will extend from the Tribeca Bridge to the roof of the Stuyvesant building. Adversaries of the principal, through a bulletin board on the 10th floor, argued that the principal was telling lies and that he had come to possess a terrifying ulterior motive with the donation money to “bribe a brigade to brutally bring down the bridge-Yu and his backers.” If the escalator project were to be believed, the specific reason for such an emphatic waste of donations is up for debate, but reported leaks straight from the principal’s office suggest it to be the first step in a long-term strategy aimed to attract tourists to the building.

This leaked e-mail conversation between Principal Yu and Director of Family Engagement Dina Ingram contains some truly outlandish ideas, including an underwater hallway that would branch off to a gymnasium on one side and gift shops selling Stuyvesant drip at ridiculous markups on the other. Another proposed idea was to swim to Pier 40 at midnight and replace the “I WANT TO THANK YOU” mural with the phrase “STUY OR DIE BAY-BAY.” It was also revealed that Ingram had planned to hold an emergency meeting near the cafeteria with all the Assistant Principals to discuss recent “alarming circumstances,” demonstrating that the school staff was aware and fearful of the ongoing situation. The meeting was called off because of an abrupt failure of the entire school’s lighting system, which Yu asked Ingram to personally deal with “in electrical,” to which Ingram replied, “What’s that?” the final message in the conversation.

Principal Seung Yu is scheduled to hold a press conference this Sunday at 1:00 p.m., during which he has agreed to answer the school’s actual most pressing questions including, “When are we going to get a pool on the roof?” and “Why have you been spending so much time near the school’s ventilation system all of a sudden?” The Humor Department will update our readers with additional information as soon as we get it.