2020 Christmas Outbreak Projected to Begin Earlier and Hit Harder

According to alarming reports from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, a recent strain of Christmas virus has affected up to 41.9 million individuals far earlier than the typical seasonal strain of Christmas, which has historically occurred during mid to late December. This wave of Christmas is a continuation of the trend of earlier, longer-lasting, and more severe Christmases, with experts generally agreeing that 2020 is the worst Christmas outbreak of the last decade.

Population models have projected that the epidemic may have begun as early as late October, breaking the generally accepted truth that large numbers of Christmas cases typically only appear after Halloween. “The reason for this trend is still unknown, but that doesn’t mean you can’t help prevent Christmas,” director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases Jardon Balaclava said. “Make sure to avoid known Christmas-dense areas, such as shopping malls, and potential vectors such as Amazon.com. If you sense the presence of 15 percent discounts on peppermint, evacuate the premises immediately. If you’re unsure whether or not an area puts you at risk for Christmas, a good rule of thumb is this: areas where retail workers look even more bedraggled and lifeless than normal are to be avoided. In all likelihood, they have developed acute Christmas poisoning as a result of overexposure to Mariah Carey’s 1994 smash hit single, ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You.’ At that point, abandon them, for they’re no longer human—only walking corpses bearing the faces of your former friends and family.”

In addition, Balaclava advises everyone to be watchful for symptoms of Christmas in the people around you. Such symptoms include unconscious humming of holiday songs and a craving for freshly fallen snow. The effects of this earlier strain of Christmas include increased apathy, a dulled response to festive stimuli, and reduced blood concentrations of the holiday spirit. Fortunately, such detrimental effects of Christmas are temporary and can be curbed with several practices. Balaclava recommends that Christmas-afflicted patients be treated daily with 500 mg of “Bro it’s not even Thanksgiving man, c’mon bro,” which can be obtained over the counter at most pharmacies. Affected individuals should seek to get plenty of rest and drink fluids, while unaffected individuals should tear their ears out because IF I HEAR YOU HUM ANOTHER GODDAMN CHRISTMAS SONG, I’M GOING TO DECK YOUR HALLS—

Ahem.

At the moment, there is no be-all and end-all cure for early Christmas, but there is hope for an end to this disease. Research for a permanent solution is ongoing and could be ready for commercial use as soon as 2030, according to Jar Bananacat, a researcher at Harvard University. This experimental drug is known within academic circles as “Gun.” Bananacat elaborates: “The science behind how it works is very simple. Gun is applied to the infected areas and terminates all early Christmas by targeting the source of the disease: our corporate overlords.” However, despite its seeming infallibility, it’s not ready yet. “Clinical trials have proven that Gun is effective 100 percent of the time, though academic peer review and additional empirical data is necessary before it’s put into effect to create a communist utopia,” Bananacat said. “But I think that Gun has a very good shot of ending this horrid trend. The future’s looking bright.”