A Snackless Stuy: Eric Adams’s Budget Cuts Forces School to Sell All Vending Machines

The will of Mayor Eric Adams has struck New York’s finest institutions where it hurts most: their wallets. Budget cuts have rendered hospitals chaotic, the subway unsafe, and school cafeterias tasteless…

Oh. Wait. That’s just NYC.

Even so, the Department of Education (DOE) has been scrambling to rebudget, and the elitists at Stuyvesant High School are now recalling that they too fall under this public sector. Most importantly, they never anticipated the DOE’s next penny-pinching move: selling ALL the vending machines.

“I was so shocked,” lamented a sophomore with an affinity for the machines’ popcorn bags. “It wasn’t just a machine to me, you know? Even when I was panting and sprinting up to the tenth floor after chorus on the first, I’d stop by the third-floor machine. It was a fleeting moment of love, dude. The smell of freshmen finishing up their mandated square dancing just made it all the more idyllic.”

Many students relied on the machines for their daily caloric intake. “If I didn’t eat a bag of mini chocolate chip cookies on the escalator,” one senior told our reporters, “I didn’t eat, and that was that!” We inquired as to whether they had eaten anything since the removal, to which he responded, “The blood, sweat, and tears of my enemies. Same vibes.” (Editor’s note: the chocolate chip cookies in this vending machine have not been proven to contain these ingredients, but we cannot confirm that they don’t either…)

Others miss the machines less for their content and more for their aesthetic value. “It was really nice having a block of machine between my cafeteria table and the next. I didn’t have to watch my bestie smooching my crush. Go Doritos!” This interviewee promptly began sobbing. “NOW WHAT WILL I CRUNCH MY SORROWS AWAY WITH? OH, JENNIFER, WHYYYYY?!” We attempted to refer them to the counseling department, but promptly discovered that Mayor Adams had seized their offices to use as shelters.

This shift has left the hallways barren, stomachs empty, and hearts hollow. Protests and petitions have been made to bring these food staples back, yet it looks like they’re gone for good; Principal Yu, when asked to comment, only replied, “Let them eat cake!”

According to inside sources that we cannot disclose, there are speculations that he is hogging one last machine in his office. Only SU members, his favorite staff members, and students who regularly get above a 3.75 participation grade in Physical Education are allowed to use it in secret.

It is unclear whether selling these machines was all that profitable. It is even less clear as to how the school will provide sufficient alternative food options to students who, frankly, take worse care of themselves than Mayor Adams did of his hairline. It may not even stop here; some speculators believe that the classroom chairs may be next. 

Students will likely have to get used to these cuts. After all, if the city prioritized proper educational environments, we may, God forbid, have a competent mayor who actually cares about students, and that simply won’t do. For now, we will remain a snackless Stuyvesant.