A Straight, Cis White Woman’s Thoughts on Pride Month

Listen, I’m a big fan of the month of June. It’s when school lets out. It’s when the weather gets so intolerably hot that my husband spends all day at the bar instead of mowing the lawn. It’s when the nice mailman starts wearing short shorts, by God! But it has come to my attention that a certain group of deviants wants to take this holy time away from fathers and flags and point it toward a different type of “F”: flamboyancy!

I am so sick of these darn “special people” trying to worm their way into good American society—the other day, I found out that my very nice salsa dance instructor, José, had a boyfriend! He didn’t even look homosexual. I just assumed it was his Spanish-European flair! Can you imagine the sense of betrayal I felt when I realized all the dips and turns we passionately shared meant nothing to him? I thought we had a connection, darn it.

And then, last week, I bought a slice of lemon pie, not knowing it was baked by a… a “they slash them.” Why would a perfectly good person decide to be people? What is wrong with being just one person? I don’t understand! I didn’t pass the third grade just to disregard that “they” is plural! Then again, I dropped out after third grade, but that’s what makes me so youthful and bright!

Also, another problem I have: how come they get to be colorful? I can’t wear a darn rainbow out here anymore without people coming up to me and thinking I’m a godforsaken home-of-sexual. The goal of straight pride should not be to be afraid of our beautiful prison-like raccoon-tail black and white stripes––it’s to reclaim the whole color spectrum as ours!

I simply feel so unsafe in my own country. These people come in and destabilize the gender roles that my ancestors worked so hard to force onto the rest of the world. How will I identify the gender of infants by their clothing if they’re all generic? I can’t just say, “Well lookie you, what a handsome boy! I bet you’ll get all the girls in a hetero-compulsive society where a woman’s only value is her worth to men!” to a poor baby girl! It’ll addle her little, delicate brain. Or is it their? Since “baby” is plural now according to the LGTV community. Now they’re hellbent on destroying everything President Trump worked for.

Don’t even bring up “intersectionality.” I have enough “intersectionality” when I cross a red light at one of those four-way crossings. I don’t understand why the liberals and the theys and the BLT community must make everything so complicated! Life has always been about being a simple American woman, getting married to a man, having three kids, and becoming a stay-at-home mom who happens to have a fondness for the local mailman. I don’t see why anyone else can’t do the same. Just because I happen to be straight and white doesn’t mean a thing!

Anyway, how dare these oppressed people bring up oppression to us and ruin my whole month? I’m trying to prepare for the grand ol’ Fourth of July! It’s Founding Fathers, not Founding Gender Non-Conforming Parental Figures. I don’t have time to accommodate for preferred pronouns when I’m too busy proclaiming my love for America!