Apple Unveils Its Innovative New iPhone 13

Apple showcased the all-new iPhone 13 on December 22, 2020, a highly unusual occurrence given the recent release of the iPhone 12. Due to the timing of this event, Apple CEO Tim Cook was unable to attend as usual, as he only emerges from his den during the fall to attend yearly product unveilings, hibernating for the rest of the year.

This new iPhone boasts a host of revolutionary features, including the “Flow Battery.” The Flow Battery features an extended battery lifetime of 66 hours, nearly one percent greater than its predecessor. But perhaps its most impressive function is that it’s completely wireless. CEO Mecha-Tim Cook stated, “With the new Flow Battery, wires will be a thing of the past. To recharge, simply mail your phone to your local Apple charging station after paying a nominal fee, where it will be charged and returned to you within four to six weeks.”

Perhaps the most controversial part of the iPhone is not its internal hardware, but rather the default external design of the phone itself. Instead of the typical sleek, metallic chassis that Apple is known for, printed on the back of the phone is a bevy of racial slurs and hate symbols.

There have been many angry comments from consumers and violent riots near Apple stores across the U.S. since the iPhone’s release. “It is outrageous how this kind of barbarism can exist in this day and age,” complained protester Journalism Bronchiole. “My mother didn’t come to this country to be treated like this. Everyone deserves to be treated equally—to have an equal opportunity to buy an iPhone. But they’ve already run out of stock, and I only managed to buy 12 of them. The way Apple is depriving us of iPhones is disgusting and cruel.”

Our sources report that the iPhone 13 sold out across the nation in record time, with riots occurring in the streets due to the lack of supply. According to our on-site reporter Jargon Bicarbonate, scalpers have already managed to put them up for auction. “I had to punch a grandma for mine,” said Bicarbonate.

Moreover, many people are upset over the design changes. “I don’t care about the lack of supply—what’s really disgusting is Apple’s choice of design,” said Joergen Bronchitis, a disgruntled customer outside of the Apple Store in New York City. “These racial slurs on the back almost completely cover the Apple logo. How am I supposed to flex on my friends if they can’t see the logo? I sold my kidneys for this, and I want that brand recognition, godamnit!”

Taking advantage of the shortage, notorious scalper Jormungandr Bacitracin managed to intercept an iTruck on its way to an Apple Store, procuring nearly 200 units. Holding the phones hostage with his iRocket Launcher Nano, Bacitracin posited that should his demands not be met within 24 hours, he would destroy the phones. Bacitracin demanded either the legalization of systemic oppression against Samsung and Android users, the blood of a virgin, or a written apology from God himself for God’s various transgressions against Bacitracin. However, Bacitracin soon found himself overwhelmed by sustained heavy fire from multiple iAssault Rifles the bystanders had purchased from the Apple Store, and he eventually died from extreme blood loss. (Incidentally, this fulfilled his demand for the blood of a virgin.)

Many call Apple’s failure to meet demand (with only 16 billion units produced, which is less than three phones per person on Earth) the greatest blunder made by the company since 2007, when every doctorate holder fled Earth in fear of the company.

Apple has since released an apology statement regarding the situation: “We are deeply sorry for failing to produce enough iPhone 13 devices and depriving many of you of such a fundamental necessity of survival. To apologize, we have started the ‘Apple Gives Back’ initiative. This is a program in which we collect your old iPhone 13 devices after the iPhone 14 comes out next month and ship them off to poverty-stricken areas, where children and pregnant mothers will smash the phones for their rare earth elements while inhaling birth-defect-inducing fumes. This influx of phones will see an increase of unskilled labor in the area, making the children more disposable and allowing us to cut their wages as a result. The money saved with this initiative will be used to fund yearly repairs of the iPhone factory suicide prevention nets in low income neighborhoods of China. We are extremely sorry for our transgressions, and we hope to make things right.”