Ban Christmas Music

Ah, the holiday season. The beautiful period starting on Thanksgiving, better known as the -33rd Day of Christmas, all the way through the beginning of January is a time when the glorious institution of consumerism reigns supreme. It is a time to celebrate the beauty of capitalism by buying beautiful, non-recyclable plastic items and making life hard for retail workers. In recent years, Christmas music has become a staple of this season, and the cheerful echo of this jingle-bell-filled, snow-glorifying music never stops ringing through the air.

It is due to this second point that we at The Spectator are bringing you this public service announcement. Having reviewed the situation, we have concluded that ideas such as “fun” and “merriment” are dangerous, and they ignore the true meaning of Christmas: buying things. Christmas music often focuses on joy, which we all know is a communist lie perpetrated to spread discord in the beacon of freedom that is America. Joy is a distraction from American values; do you think a bald eagle feels joy? No! A bald eagle only buys things and feels freedom. Joy and similar concepts are antithetical to what Christmas music should be doing—exulting consumer culture and advertising products to the American people. As such, all Christmas music is subversive communist propaganda and must be eradicated. We would like you to join us in pioneering an initiative to ban all playing of Christmas music.

Every year, Mariah Carey makes almost $480,000 from people streaming her hit single “All I Want For Christmas,” and this is only a small fraction of the different “festive music” people play from the -33rd Day of Christmas on Thanksgiving until the 12th day of Christmas on the fifth of January. In this song, published at the height of the Cold War in 1994, notorious communist Mariah Carey rejects the consumerist doctrine that Christmas should be all about capital and instead focuses on dangerous radical socialist ideas such as "love." She even goes so far as to say that she “don’t care about the presents” and doesn’t “want a lot for Christmas.” This blatant, disgusting Soviet propaganda is a common theme in Christmas music, and it could pose a serious danger to our American values of consumerism. If people start believing that what will make their Christmas perfect is “family” and “holiday cheer,” pillars of American industry like Walmart will lose sales as people forget that Christmas should be about going into debt and filling your tiny apartment to the brim with glorious American-made tchotchkes.

This is the music that our children are being exposed to at their most impressionable stage of life. Do we really want extremist leftists like Mariah Carey to be dictating America’s future? We say no! We implore you to join us in boycotting and petitioning for a blanket ban on inflammatory so-called Christmas music in favor of only listening to Macy’s jingles this holiday season.