Black Friday Juul Sale

As Black Friday nears, the Stuyvesant community is preparing for its biggest event of the year—the annual dean-hosted Juul sale.

To boost funding for the lackluster PTA fundraiser and to fund the purchase of new furniture for the Juul lounges every year, the deans sell confiscated Juuls back to students for $50 each, according to Dean Ryan Malone, whose name has been changed in this article to respect his wish to remain anonymous.

“It’s a huge deal,” Malone said. “And the crowd is incredible. Imagine the annual wildebeest migration, except the wildebeests are children seeking a nicotine fix, and then you can picture what it’s like. We often turn a profit of over $10,000.”

When asked about a potential conflict of interest, Malone was quick to dispel any such notions. “Of course the deans hate vaping and the tobacco industry and all that stuff,” he exclaimed. “However, we’re also underpaid government employees with unfulfilling jobs, so morals come second to cutting a profit. No question.” He then proceeded to take a hit on a Juul and cough loudly to prove how much he hated vaping.

An independent investigation led by The Spectator calculated that Stuyvesant spends approximately $36 a week on maintaining the escalators and paying the McDonald’s across the street $11 a month to use any leftovers in the school lunch, meaning monthly expenditures are approximately $155. Having made this realization, we asked Malone about where the rest of the $10,000 from the sale go every year.

“That’s simple!” he replied. “$35 go to the PTA, $50 go to Carol from Ms. Pedrick’s office, $7,500 go to new couches in each of the Juul lounges, and the rest goes to buying me a new phone. When all you do is sit around looking at a pile of confiscated phones and cackling all day, you get jealous sometimes. And sure, I keep one now and then, but it’s just not enough!”

We also approached some self-identified attendees of last year’s sale and asked them about how the sale itself worked. “It’s not rocket science,” junior Patrick Vee scoffed. “You go to the dean’s office after 10th with $50 in unmarked cash or via a check made out to Governor Andrew Cuomo, pay for the Juul, and get back a Juul with at least one pod that the deans probably fished out from a urinal. Then you leave and take obvious hits on it nonstop until the deans take it away again the next day.”

Other veterans of the sale challenged Vee’s simple view of things. “There are a lot of complications involved,” sophomore Andrea Kopski indignantly informed us. “For one, a lot of kids will pay and then receive a ballpoint pen which was taken away by a teacher who mistook it for a Juul,” she said. “After that, when you try to leave, it’s impossible to find your way through a haze of mango-flavored smoke. Last year, I walked into the pool twice before I found the emergency exit and set off the fire alarm!”

For those looking for a Black Friday bargain, the deans’ Juul sale might be the spot for you! With its romantic, misty ambiance and unbeatable bargains on nicotine addictions, the Juul sale is absolutely an unmissable event for those of all interests, and it is probably a more ethical pastime than terrorizing paid retail workers on Black Friday. Malone also pointed out that for those interested, the sale will be held on Friday, November 23 in room 103 and recommended that we also check out the scanning machines’ fake ID sale on December 3.