Choubaralian Creates New Heelying Class

Nobody thought Vasken Choubaralian could get any cooler, but then one day he glided into the atrium in a sleek black pair of Heelys, wearing a pair of clout goggles and a muscle tee while taking a massive hit from a SING! USB. Along with the normal panicked shouts of “Choubs Choubs Choubs,” the senior class collectively gasped in awe, because Vasken Coubaralian had just opened his new Heelying class.

Choubs first started the rollerblading class back in the 1990s when rollerblading was still in. The goal of the class was to teach students how to roll into a girl’s DMs, both figuratively and literally, since Stuyvesant students are notoriously bad at romance.

“Because of all that daddy Vasken taught me I was able to mack on two CONSCIOUS girls at SAP,” Randy Higgins (‘16) said. Successes like Higgins’s used to be the norm for the graduates of the rollerblading class, but as the wheels of time revolved, rollerblading became less popular, and a dashing young man doing a spin stop right in front of you no longer had the same panty-dropping effect as it used to.

Vasken was contemplating this problem while talking to his closest friends, high schoolers, when he suddenly saw a glorious sight: senior David Power gliding out of a cloud of Juul smoke in a pair of Heelys, like Nathan Chen but with more privilege. After he promptly confiscated Powers’ shoes right off his feet for being a “safety hazard,” Choubaralian decided to try those bad boys on. It was love at first man-sized-foot-in-shoe-made-for-children. Vasken immediately knew that Heelys were just what he needed to bring the spice back into Stuyvesant’s physical education curriculum, and, well, the rest is history.