Congress Reveals New Bill to Provide Stimulus Packages Containing Motivational Messages to Struggling Americans

In an effort to rile up America’s current economic dysfunction, a new bill has been drafted by the Senate. Currently awaiting ratification, the bill proposes allocating nearly $200 in federal spending in order to provide struggling American citizens with stimulus packages filled with motivational messages that lawmakers made late last night.

These packages are to include industrial-grade gluten-free “Hang in There!” kitty cards with 2.5 GHz dual-core processing and A3 marbling score. The cards do not contain the traditional glitter due to the fact that some of it spilled and got into Louisiana senator John Neely Kennedy’s eye. Kennedy was hospitalized and is expected to make a full recovery, but $30 million from the allocated $200 will be used to cover the costs of his hospital bill.

Congress has also further approved an additional $10 for the research of cutting-edge motivational message technology. The budget has been reallocated from NASA, and research is starting on modern-generation messages such as “It do be like that sometimes,” “F,” and “oof,” which Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi hopes will pave the way for similar future stimulus packages. The program aims to release a functional prototype by 2021.

This plan is not without its criticisms, however. Critics point out that the Australian stimulus package was a pizza party with two munchkins (and no more) per person. The proponents of the Pizza Party argue that “It’s not fair that they get pizza and we don’t, so we should get pizza too. I don’t want these crummy old cards; they’re pink, and I don’t like pink.”

While the Pizza Party proposal was considered, it has largely fallen through due to a lack of bipartisan support over a split along party lines on whether pineapple should be allowed as a pizza topping. Public anger soared soon after the rejection of the bill, with temper tantrums in the streets. Outrage was eventually quelled by a series of statements from Virginia Senator Tim Kaine, in which he stated that “The real [pizza party]… is the friends [we] made along the way.”

A second criticism of the plan is its cost. While a minority among the population, a significant number of people think that the motivational messages are simply a waste of tax dollars to a crisis that will just go away on its own. A Facebook group titled “We don’t need mottos because Money Doesn't exist,” currently with 100 thousand members, had this to say: “honestly, i don’t think financial crises exist. why should the government force supportive kitties into our personal lives.”

At the time of publication, Congress has not yet announced any further changes to the bill. The current plan is set to save over $4 billion in lieu of actual stimulus packages. The conserved money will naturally be funneled into the defense budget.