Craziest Program Changes (Program Office Hates Them!)

At least 100 percent of Stuyvesant students try their hand at “program changes,” or, as you might have seen it manifested, “loudly complaining to guidance and/or anyone who will listen; having concerning mental breakdowns in Ms. Pedrick’s office; lamenting the fact that there are more than two flights of stairs between two classes; and spending a minimum of 25 hours after school in a stress-filled extravaganza only to be told that there was never any space to begin with in that class.”

And so, year after year, the Program Office faces off with an endless crowd of angry Stuyvesant students, each demanding changes that involve at least 10 teacher swaps and 10*9*8*7*6*5*4*3*2*1 period swaps.

________________

Freshman Ovahr Kompensaytin was not looking for any old “Can I not get [fill in unpopular teacher here] this semester” program change. On his mission, Kompensaytin fought his way through the Program Office. When his turn came to be rejected, he confidently strode to the front of the office, not discouraged in the slightest.

“He looked me straight in the eye, undeterred by our uninterested, monotone voices, and flat-out refusal to consider his predicament,” an unperturbed administrator told us. “Then, he loudly explained that he wanted eight APs before breakfast, including but not limited to AP Biology of Extraterrestrial Species, AP Physics D (the mythological class that succeeds AP Physics C), AP Future History, and AP Lunch. We tried to calmly explain that AP Breakfast was a prerequisite for AP Lunch, but he explained that he intended to double up by having AP Brunch.

“He also demanded 12 electives that are for seniors only and that he be the only student in the class so that he can have a personal, one-on-one educational experience with the teacher. As for the other 37 APs that he is demanding, he mentioned a ‘strong work ethic’ and enrollment in Stuyvesant High School, which certainly convinced me.”

________________

Kompensaytin’s episode was only the beginning. In his stead entered a furious senior, Iza Slackin. “I don’t understand how they could do me dirty like this. Honestly, I feel personally attacked,” Slackin remarked. “I mean, mandatory attendance? Are they serious? I’m a senior. You can’t try to fool me. Get real,” she said.

Quite reasonably, Slackin desired four periods of lunch, and she also wanted to take a self-made Napping 101 elective. The Program Office pointed out that Slackin had taken five APs junior year with a 98 average and was now pulling up to school for a total of 15 minutes weekly with a 65.001 average.

________________

Anxious to get rid of Slackin, the Program Office hurriedly gestured for junior Trayin Tuhard to come in. The epitome of determination and perfectionism, Tuhard was not willing to compromise on any of his desired program changes. His carefully devised stratagem would require 53 maneuvers, including firing multiple beloved teachers, expelling 27 highly qualified students who were placed in the classes he wanted, sending multiple strongly worded e-mails from his parents, and involving Child Protective Services.

Tuhard insisted that all of his classes be arranged from the 10th floor to the first and that there be an elevator waiting for him on the second floor at 7:55 AM to bring him up to the 10th. In order to accomplish this, he demanded that the physics department be relocated to the cafeteria and that lunch would take place in the library, horrifying Stuyvesant’s dedicated library staff. Unsatisfied with all of his teachers, Tuhard insisted that his English class be taught by Stephen King, his physics class by Stephen Hawking, and his U.S. history class by Barack Obama.

While the Program Office was hesitant at first, the staff soon realized that while they might be able to shake off Child Protection Services and the whole brunt of the U.S. Department of Education, they simply could not shake off Tuhard and his overbearing parents.