Debating the Affirmative Side (My Love For You)

I clear my throat.

“On this evening of February 14th, I, a matchmaker & ship expert certified by fanfiction.net, call the two sides Quirky Protagonist and Discord Love Interest (QP and DLI) to the floor of the love court. The issue of today’s debate is whether or not this duo is compatible or not. DLI’s “bro squad” will debate the AFFIRMATIVE while QP’s concerned besties are debating for the NEGATIVE. We will begin with the affirmative side, which was determined five minutes ago by rock-paper-scissors in the hallway. Affirmative, present your case.”

“We, the bro-squad-team of DLI, firmly believe that the impetus of love unequivocally lies in completing each other as people. Luckily for us, we’ve used years of experience and past conversations with them to compile their ideal type. We would like to assert that our bro doesn’t even go on 3 AM Minecraft speedruns with us anymore, because they’re so busy fawning over QP,” the bro-squad-team of DLI says. They then slide over two tear-riddled sheets of paper: pages of a screenshotted Discord conversation.

“According to this chat from December 21st, after DLI chickened out of a dare to tell Principal Yu that K-pop sucks in person, they confirmed that they are ‘into, like, cute people who know how to game and also maybe can deal with 2:00 a.m. crying sessions.’ Does that sound like anyone to you?”

QP looks away, blushing slightly. Their concerned besties sneer, and the bro squad pass out fist bumps to both themselves and the jury. After a brief team chant, they continue, passing forth a transcribed call.

“Adding on, the quirky love interest in question is, like, totally into the idea. Upon seeing DLI, this call transcript is almost a confession. Bear in mind, I say this after years of roasting this dude for being too lame for love, so it’s a tough pill for your local bro to swallow.”

I take a look at the words, where QP has apparently stated “Lol ily but not in that way? But maybe in that way? Ahh, I don’t know what I’m saying. Don’t take that the wrong way but if you do then maybe I can confirm that you took it the right way? Uh. Oh God. [hangs up].” This confession is clear as day, and I make a mental note of it as I put down the transcript and sanitize my hands. QP is now sunken into their chair.

After a brief minute of contemplation, I speak. “I have heard a good amount here. Let’s turn it over to the negative side.” An army of best friends quickly rises up to voice their concerns for QP.

"DLI is the absolute worst influence on QP ever. They've turned into a total fangirl over the course of weeks and it's worrying. Just look at this simphood." I look up to a collage of screenshots, all of which included QP staying up past 1:00 a.m. and conversing into ungodly hours of the night.

“Before meeting DLI, QP would sleep at 11 p.m. sharp and ace every test. On the last USH test, however, they accidentally wrote DLI’s name instead of their own. They’re not even in the same class! This is getting ridiculous.”

Another one of QP’s bestie rose to speak. “In the confidential gossip chat, QP constantly agonizes or gushes over their interactions with DLI, and never before midnight when they should be asleep despite their previously perfect sleep schedule. According to most medical journals, this is unhealthy. We tried to consult a psychiatrist, but the only one we’ve reached replied with a shrugging emoji face.”

“Closing remarks!” I proclaim.

Another scary individual stands up. “Overall, bestie needs to re-prioritize and find a person with better habits. QP can’t keep obsessing at 3:00 a.m., and frankly, we can’t continue to tell them that we support this crush.”

I nod. “Okay, let’s go on break. I need to make a decision, but more than that, I need to check my cat game to see if they’re hungry yet. Dismissed!”

***********************************

“Alrighty folks,” I begin. “I’ve thought carefully about both of your messed up personalities over a lovely session of mobile gaming. Thus, I come to the conclusion that you both… need some help. Genuinely. So, until DLI can get a personality that isn’t school or Discord, and if QP can get their obsessive issues sorted out, my verdict is… FRIENDSHIP! Now high five. Go ahead, friendzone each other. Dismissed! Again!”

The two parties seem baffled, which is odd, considering I just laid everything out. They reluctantly walk to the center of the room, and high five’d with the most pathetic aim I have ever seen. I bang my heart shaped gavel as they all leave the room.

“Phew, that was a weird one,” I tell my typist, who’s sweating from writing out the transcript to all of that. “What’s our next session?”

“Uhh, some freshman couple fighting over which matching profile pic to use on Instagram.”

I crack my knuckles. All in a day’s work.