Diary of a (Tired) Senior

I was snooping around the Senior Bar one day and I found this journal! Woohoo! It seemed to be left by a former graduate of Stuy… hmm… I’ll just read it and plagariz– I mean submit it as part of a Humor article. Let’s see… 

September

WAHHHHHHH T–T. My last first day ever at Stuyvesant High School T–T. Fricking finally, one more year before I can get out of this place known as “one of the best high schools in the city.” I have suffered sooooo much from constantly failing my classes with my 98 average and the questionable cafeteria food. Harvard will be so much better.  

STILL HAVEN’T FINISHED MY DELTAMATH HOMEWORK AGHHHH. 

I hate QuestBridge, like, how am I supposed to write 800 words about my entire life journey and how challenges shaped me into who I am today??? I don’t even have a life! I don’t touch grass! There’s nothing challenging I went through, everything was super easy! 

I wonder how many cups of coffee I will consume before the year ends. 

October

Met with my college counselor, and as expected, they were no help. Always talking about how I need more “safety schools” and how the chances are low for me to get into Harvard. That’s okay—if I can’t get into Harvard, there’s still Princeton, Yale, MIT, Columbia, and even if I can’t get into any of those, there’s no way I’ll get rejected from Cornell. 

I finally met my first freshman, who was quivering under my godly gaze, and asked about the location of the attendance office. How puny. Does he know he has no speaking rights? That he has no privilege to even look upon a senior, who has been through everything and seen it all? I yelled at him to SCRAM, all the seniors at the bar applauded, and the freshman bolted. Good riddance. 

November

THAT’S IT I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE, I’m going to FAIL this Calc test… maybe I should just not show up so I can have more time to study, you know? 

I should also sk—I mean not go to PE, and maybe Gov while we’re at it—that class is useless anyway… you know what, maybe I should just take a mental health day, EDing to Harvard was too much work and I. Am. Exhausted.  

December

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN’T GET INTO HARVARD??? This has to be a mistake. I even applied Early Decision! How am I supposed to make a living in the future QAQ. 

My college counselor is forcing me to apply to “real” safeties, like CUNYs. Apparently not even Cornell or Stony Brook counts. Thank god for Christmas break—maybe Santa will give me my Harvard acceptance letter. 

January 

I AM FREE FROM COLLEGE APPS HELL! Never again. 

February

… At least I got into Cornell… brb… 

April 

What even is the point… grades don’t matter… classes are boring… assignments are too much work… friendships are lame… clubs suck… I just want to sleep…..

May

College Board is the bane of my existence. I can’t believe I still have to take AP exams. I should be done???

Forget this, I’m deregistering. Cornell doesn’t take these credits anyway. 

June

Graduation couldn’t have come sooner. Here’s to praying that college will be better (copium). 

My brain is fried. My spirit has vanished. Goodbye cruel, cruel world; it’s finally nap time!

Whelp, it sure seems like this senior had it rough. I think I’m doomed for senior year.