“Five-Star Dining” at the Cafeteria

“Why did I buy popcorn chicken when the cafeteria served this?”—Daniel Ju, senior

“The kids are literally eating me alive.” —Ling Weenie, AP Lunch teacher

In years past, Stuyvesant students frequently left the building during their lunch periods to purchase food from local vendors such as Terry’s, “Fake Terry’s” (Ferry’s), and Fake Zucker’s ([redacted]). However, the incentive of free school lunch has drawn many of these lunchtime adventurers to once again enjoy some “good ol’ school lunch.” The reactions to free school lunch have been overwhelmingly positive, as evidenced by the gargantuan line in the cafeteria that resembled the line at program changes.

“I’ve never tasted anything so divine,” said senior Austin Leung, in describing the school lunch breadsticks. “Their flavorless taste just gives my palate so much more room to experiment with imagining palatable heaven.”

“The black mold on the bottom of my pizza looks just like the perfect amount of oven crispiness,” Leung continued. “The cheese leaves an excellent feeling in my mouth. It looks and tastes just like my grand-daddy’s colostomy bag. For the record, I have no idea how that tastes, but I think that the pizza comes pretty close.”

“I think having nails attached to the chicken fingers is a huge improvement!” senior Daniel Ju said. “They add a really surprising crunch to the otherwise tender chicken fingers. Why did I buy popcorn chicken when the cafeteria served this?”

“My chicken looks like a biology lesson,” freshman Phoebe Park said. “I’m really glad the school had the sensibility to integrate real-world education into the cafeteria. The dissecting fluid really brings this absolutely intoxicating smell to the chicken—I just can’t resist!”

However, AP Lunch teacher Ling Weenie was strongly pessimistic about the new popularity of the lunchroom. “I don’t know if I can last the whole year!” Weenie exclaimed. “The kids are literally eating me alive—that’s always been the case. But they’ve been so vicious this year! They must be upset that I gave them all Fs and, in one case, salmonella.”