Five Ways to Destroy Your PE Uniform

The horror of PE uniforms has plagued schools all over the world for centuries. Their inelegant nature dates back to caveman times when small children were taught to repel woolly mammoths by wearing the most hideous fur coats. Since then, people like me have descended from heaven to help you poor things out. There are many ways to go about destroying your uniform (and of course you want to destroy that hideous thing because what else would you do? Wear it? Don’t be ridiculous.), but here I have listed the five most efficient methods that I’ve found.

1. Hope That It Burns

To use this method, you’re going to need your PE uniform, a trash can (preferably one not made of wood), and a box of matches. The first step is to grab those awful, sweat-stained clothes and throw them into the trash can. The next step is to set them on fire. You know, arson. Maybe it’s “better for the environment” if you just throw them away, but the environment’s already screwed, and nobody liked polar bears that much in the first place. So you watch those brilliant flames cover the nauseating orange lettering on the T-shirt as great plumes of smoke slowly hide the see-through shorts from view. You smile and laugh for the first time since the school year started. You are finally free of those stupid, baggy sweatpants and those shirts with the quote on the back that you never bothered to read.

2. New Lunch Special

For this process, grab some scissors and unleash all of your pent-up aggression on your uniform. Once you have finely ground strips of gym clothes, pick up the pieces and put them in a bag. Take that bag to the cafeteria and—here comes the tricky part—sneak into the kitchen. You’ll have to get past the lunch servers and the mile-long queue of students. You must brave the anger of your fellow students as you cut the line, dodging hands that try to push you away. You mustn't get distracted by the apple sauce and cold sandwiches, and don’t even try to look at the cookies, or the whole mission’s blown. If you survive the trek to the kitchen, you’ll need to act fast. Grab those tiny shreds of your PE uniform, and sprinkle them into whatever concoction is brewing on the stovetop. You might be asking, “Why would you put your clothes in people’s food?” and the answer to that would be “How else do you expect to get rid of the evidence?” If you’re still feeling unsure about this and are maybe worrying about what students will think when they bite into their pizza, finding it tasting saltier and greasier than normal, don’t be! They’ve probably disposed of their uniform in the exact same way as you have before.

3. Throw It off the Edge of the World

This one can be a bit hard to accomplish, seeing as no one’s actually found the edge of the world… but don’t let that deter you! Feel free to supplement it with a large-sized cliff. Now, get your bundle of bacteria-infested cloth, and bring it to the cliff’s edge (cliffhanger?). Throw the gym clothes over, but be careful! You don’t want to…

4. Kill Two Birds with One Stone

This method will result in the loss of your gym uniform AND a higher grade in PE class, so read attentively. You have to go to a store and buy one of those wooden box puzzles—the hardest one you can find. Then shove your uniform into said puzzle (you have to solve it first, but that should be easy for someone as smart as you—I mean, you’re reading the Spectator humor section, you must be clever). Once you’ve got the blue-and-gray rags stuffed into the box, you need to put the puzzle back together again (sorry about that). Then wrap the puzzle in some nice wrapping paper and gift it to your PE teacher. Give an excuse, maybe something about it being an early Valentine's Day present. Whatever your reason is, make it so convincing that they can’t refuse. Now they own a box puzzle they’ll never be able to solve, and you’ll be uniform-free. The teacher will then decide to be nice to you, since you gave them such a lovely present, and you’ll get amazing participation grades for the rest of the semester. They probably wouldn’t care if you showed up naked every day or ask you about the two dead birds you’re holding.

5. Hide It in Dog Food

This method is pretty simple. All you have to do is pick up your lumpy, drab PE outfit and bring it to a Professional Shredding Service (a PSS, as we in the shredding biz call it). Once you have your cloth scraps, you need to go out and find a dog. Or a lion, but that could be considerably more difficult. You’ve heard of homework-eating dogs, excrement-eating dogs, and even chocolate-eating dogs (though those typically don’t last very long)... now I introduce to you the cloth-eating dog—very fluffy and extremely good at getting rid of clothes.

Once you have your cloth-eating dog/animal, discreetly hide your shredded clothing in their food and wait. Side effects of having a cloth-eating dog may include but are not limited to: lack of clothes, loss of limbs, and death. The Stuyvesant Spectator is not responsible for any emotional or physical damage.

After reading these five suggestions, I hope that you’re more knowledgeable about how to get rid of your PE uniform. Of course, you could just say you lost it or sell it on the gym uniform black market, but what’s the fun in that? Without bearing the weight of having to wear the uniform, you’re now free to sit back, relax, and laugh through the window at the freshmen wearing their PE uniform in English class.