Freshies ReALLy nEeD Some LOvE yA’LL

What if we told you that there’s an ongoing matter that desperately needs your help? Something that requires even more assistance than your helpless mathematics average and your poor, worsening self-esteem? The problem has to do with the current state of Stuyvesant freshmen. And this is coming from us, a couple of freshies ourselves.

As we all know, freshmen are at the very bottom of the Stuyvesant hierarchy, maybe because of jealousy of the endless potential of nearly 900 new students. They’re constantly neglected by both Stuyvesant staff and upperclassmen: they are last to go during program changes and are often abused by upperclassmen for being idiots or being too scholarly. Everything expected of these novices just isn’t up to par. They’re an even bigger disappointment than the closing of Kung Fu Tea to their upperclassmen.

From daily encounters with freshmen, except for the few whom upperclassmen “accidentally” charge into in the hallways or those who juul in the restrooms, they are just normal, depressed teens with raging hormones! There’s been nothing out of the ordinary in the past month or so, other than the uncultured freshmen complaining about how the Stuy life is oh so very hard, with their horrid 99 GPAs and their halal cart diarrhea. Oh, and of course, how could we forget about the little civil war that’s been going on?

Now THAT got your attention, didn’t it?

Turns out, we freshmen aren’t as fine as we make ourselves out to be. Alas, we’ve fooled both our Big Sibs and guidance counselors alike. We only seem somewhat sane because of our high dosage of memes. Using memes to help us feel “happy” has become such a prominent practice that there’s a constant circulation of them on Facebook.

Originally, there was only one source of memes for much of the freshman population: the Stuyvesant Memes for Perpetually Suffering Teens Facebook group. They offered respectable memes that were quick and effective at providing instant ecstasy (and were reported to be even better than street ecstacy too!). The meme-users’ unfulfilled cravings for attention have taken the embodiment of roasts about our beloved teachers and memes about students’ endless amounts of stress, which were considered top-quality memes for their remarkable diversity in content and subpar humor. Dozens of sorrowful Stuy students (mostly freshmen) have gone to this group to provide themselves with doses of happiness.

However, the CEO of this meme group got greedy. After adopting the “quantity over quality” virtue, their memes became cheaply made and decreased in quality and potency. Memes were reposted multiple times with just the caption being changed. Instead of lasting until 4 a.m. to write their essays, poor freshies started to burn out by midnight. For some, they’ve developed a tolerance for the same repetitive memes… and it seems that mere memes just don’t inspire them to “have a good time” anymore. In fact, the group has sunken so low that it has resorted to stealing memes from other pages, as highlighted by Ethan Bro’s post on March 17 at 5:06 p.m.

Fortunately, in the midst of this darkness, a new Facebook group called the “Stuyvesant meme group without Steven” arose as another meme provider. Managed by previous meme manufacturers from the other group who were dissatisfied with their old CEO, their memes started to gain popularity for their wholesomeness: these new memes gave users a warm, fuzzy feeling in their cold, dead hearts. The CEO of this group even claimed that all their memes were ethically sourced and scientifically proven to lower the risk of depression. With these higher-quality memes, many customers have switched providers, faster than the camera guy at Camp Stuy could impatiently snap hideous ID photos while students were blinking, yawning, or sneezing. The CEO of the old group, feeling sad even with his dose of memes, waged war on the “Stuyvesant meme group without Steven” out of being a sore loser.

Aggressive meme-making was done in both groups to win over new members. The groups were very active for the first two weeks of war. Currently, the war is at a stalemate as both groups have started lagging in their meme production and no advances have been made. People are losing their motivation. A war is not the way to solve this dilemma—perhaps the way is to end meme addiction altogether.

Upperclassmen, as freshmen and advocates of peace, we request your help. This stalemate may be our only chance. We beg you to help save our freshmen peers, to ensure that there is a future generation. The fact that we rely on memes to supplement our performance is unnerving. We are greatly troubled and desperately need your undivided attention. Don’t let our innocent and healthy looks deceive you; the truth is that we are terribly corrupt and we are in constant, silent agony. And plus, as upperclassmen, it is your duty to maintain Stuy’s reputation! You don’t want an entire generation acting like complete fools, do you? Just imagine what Bronx Science will say about us! It may even come back to haunt you later in your life—being denied a job because your school has become notorious for excessive tomfoolery.

The epidemic of memes throughout the freshman community of Stuyvesant is despicable and we believe it could have been prevented if freshmen were just given more attention. We request that the next time you encounter a freshman in the halls, shower upon them as much affection, love, and attention as you can. Don’t worry about the look of fear and discomfort on their faces. It is just our silent way of expressing gratitude.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, we shall end our rant here as it’s time for us to browse Facebook for our daily dose of dank memes.

*yes, if you were wondering, this is our plea for help 😢😢*