How to Start a Successful Fruit Stand

Walking out of the cafeteria, you might notice a mountain of fruit, typically apples, oranges, or pears, sitting on a table near the trash cans. You wouldn’t believe it now, but you’re missing out on a gold mine of an opportunity. If you’ve ever gotten school lunch, you should know that the lunch ladies wouldn’t let you have a plate unless you take fruit. Too often, many of them end up on this table, waiting to be hauled back to the counter and taken again in a never-ending cycle. What better way to reduce this excess than to sell them for profit, you may be thinking? Without further ado, here are the steps for turning unwanted leftovers from the cafeteria into a money-making enterprise.

The first task is to make room in your backpack for your goods. There are a lot of ways to do this, the most boring of which is to stuff everything in your locker. But to ensure that your books and papers don’t get in the way, a more effective approach is to incinerate them in a dumpster fire. Not only will it be an awesome sight, but it’s also nice to have some warmth for a change as the weather gets chillier.

Now, I know what you may be thinking: it’s so crowded in the cafeteria, so wouldn’t someone report my suspicious behavior to the dean? Fear not, because unbeknownst even to his closest aides, Principal Yu has a secret compartment in his desk, inside of which is a switch that turns off all the lights in the school—an amazingly handy tool that allows you to operate in the dark. However, it is next to the switch that shuts down all the escalators, which is next to the switch that closes all the doors and windows in an effort to quarantine the school in case of a viral outbreak. And I forgot to mention that the switches don’t have labels, so you better get it right the first time.

Once you’ve pulled the right switch and secured your stash of goods, it’s time to set up a proper fruit stand. Ditch the wood and paint; you’re on a budget, so a desk from one of the classrooms would suffice. Simply plop the fruit down on the table and pray that none rolls off. You need to do a bit of advertising though, so head on over to the nearest Dollar Tree and buy a poster board and some markers to create a sign. Feel free to add your name to it, hopefully in legible writing, to emphasize that the desk is your property.

Finally, you need to pick a location. You may be thinking that you need to walk all the way to Chinatown to attract hungry buyers, but really, the ol’ Tribeca Bridge entrance should do well thanks to its heavy traffic. Students coming back to the building would never realize that what you’re selling came from the cafeteria. However, there’s one more thing I have to mention. The security guards watching you might give you the boot, but once the profits start rolling in, you can bribe your way into staying.

And that, dear readers, is how you can become one of Stuyvesant’s few successful entrepreneurs. Always carry out your operations in secret, just in case someone steals your *foolproof* business model and starts competing for your customers. Good luck, and happy selling!