Humor Department’s Leaked Memo Reveals Cult-Like Plans

The following is a leaked memo sent from Humor editor Oliver Stewart to co-editors Chrisabella Javier and Kelly Yip, retrieved by the age-old method of guessing passwords. It turns out that Stewart was not clever enough to encode his documents with anything more developed than “IMISSVICT0RKU4NG.” (Stewart, if you’re reading this, I know your secrets.) To the reader: I recommend you mentally prepare yourself before diving into the deep, dark mysteries of what really goes on behind the scenes, as leaked here.

Hey, what’s up guys? It’s ya boy Oily Stork. So… It’s almost September, which means we get a batch of fresh meat, er, freshmen to work with. As you can tell by this figure, ever since the Class of 2022 entered Stuy, our reported laughs have gone down by 69 percent (the attached figure was a deepfake of Eric Contreras singing). This is simply unacceptable. So what are we going to do, fellow editors? Fear not, for I have the answer.

In a previous email, Chrisabella recommended we actually start looking for good content. To that, I say nay! We are above that. Interesting content has never been a part of the Humor department and never will be. Why start now? Let’s just drag out the never-ending quarantine jokes. Maybe for spice, we can just throw in some generic absurd fake news, and hey, making fun of Talos never goes out of style (sorry, Rodda John). And if we’re really desperate, the fuwwy uwu humor never misses, right?

I can’t believe I just said the words “fuwwy” and “uwu.” I am… really repulsed, actually. Kelly, are you reading this? You did this to me. I was wrong. We do need new content, but it can’t be good. What we really need is some fresh blood, both literally and metaphorically. We need to grab these fresh-out-of-middle school youngsters and drain their heads of anything funny faster than you can say “OK, boomer.” That’s how we’ll increase our reader base. God, I can’t believe I just referenced an old meme. I would really appreciate it if we all forget I said that. Please don’t use this against me. I’m qualified, I promise. The thing is, freshmen need simple absurdity. After all, that is the essence of middle school humor nowadays. They can’t comprehend MyTalos, let alone the jokes about it. I hear sticks are in fashion now. Stickbugs, stickmen… So what about sticks makes these kids tick? We need to find what makes them funny before we go out of style entirely. It doesn’t have to be good content. It just has to be humorous.

Anyway, you think I’m joking, but I’m not. Why do you think the Stuyvesant building is so hard to navigate? Because for every student that makes it past our lord and savior Brian Moran, another doesn’t. And they come to us. With the new principal, things couldn’t be easier. He’ll be expecting to see a bunch of “educated” and “thoughtful” people. Little does he know… some of the writers in this department haven’t aged a day since eighth grade, and that’s what we’ll capitalize on. Principal Yu will be taken aback by our sheer immaturity. It’s foolproof! We’ll slip right under his nose, just like we did with Contreras.

As my fellow editors, you deserve to know this amazing plan. Victor Kuang (may he rest in peace) knew nothing. I was the true mastermind all along. We need the brains of the Class of 2024, and we need them now, before the Humor section gets moved behind Sports. The humiliation!

Make no mistake. When I say brains, I mean brains. Get into their homes. Befriend their parents. Steal their pets. Do anything you need to do to get these youngsters reading our articles. Take their actual brains if you have to. If you’re caught, call it a… team bonding activity. Principal Yu will suspect nothing. And don’t be afraid to tell the other writers. God knows some of them are more than willing to kill for us.

For the Humor department. Over and out.

—Oily Stork”