I Want YOU To Fund the Best Department of The Spectator (Please)

Hello, everybody. If you are reading this, you have proven to be one of the Humor Department’s star readers—and our most promising source of income. Surely if you are perusing such meager-looking articles such as this one, you have already dedicated your time to hearing us poor folk out.

Fine genteel of Stuyvesant, I admit with a heavy heart that we, the humble Humor Department, are broke. Writers need fuel to create the funny content that everyone craves, and to do so, we need our continued supply of Starbucks coffee and Chip Ahoy! cookies. I know, it hurts me too. But think long and hard: what would the good people of Stuyvesant do without their biweekly Among Us jokes, not-so-vague innuendos, and outdated Moran references? We are an extremely necessary part of the Stuyvesant community, but as of late, we have been treated like the copies of The Spectator at the bridge entrance: garbage that is left to rot and die.

Normally, I would never make such a desperate appeal for money. But as one of the last remaining seniors in the Humor Department, seeing the ever-growing corruption of the underclassmen has shaken me to my core. I deeply reassure you, most esteemed subscribers of The Spectator Humor section, we are all hardworking Stuyvesant children, save for the CLEARLY corrupt and uncouth editors of this department. Yet I deeply regret to inform you that if you do not pay me right now, this may spell the end of the department as it is. Consider this: how is it that Oliver Hollmann can strut his stuff as a “whole man,” creating idle crosswords for the bourgeoisie, while we, the poor writers, must scrap together articles? I find no humor in these crosswords whatsoever and the loads of wasted ink that results from me crossing out all my wrong answers is a financial loss in this situation.

We have received absolutely no funding from the Parents’ Association or the Student Union (SU). Regardless of the fact that we didn’t ask for any in the first place, this should reveal to you where their priorities lie—not with the geniuses and lifeblood of this school, but with another football table in the SU room. This misattribution of funds is just another show of deep corruption as this money can and should be used for a better cause—namely, my college fund.

Our articles are called cheap, lazy, and repetitive. I beg to differ! You must think long and hard about the joy we have brought to your lives. Pity the poor writers—the creatives, the aficionbananadndos—who have tirelessly put in the work to release articles like “Wrestling is Not Gay” and yet another long-winded, classic comedical escalator joke. We’re funny, right? Right?

I know many dedicated readers (this means you!) have grown tired of us lately. But consider this: our creative and financial coffers are dry and our brainstorming sessions are lacking in snacks. How is one to think and spark joy in others when inflation (the economic sort) continues to rise among us? Food insecurity, synergy, cryptocurrency, gaslighting, and other buzzwords make for trying times and unfinished sentences like

Much like Bernie Sanders, I am once again asking for your financial support. But this is a promise—no, more than a promise. Venmo me your hard earned coins and we will provide the content you deserve. Maybe.*

*Terms and conditions apply.