I Was Not Bribed to Write This Article

As a moral student of the greatly esteemed Stuyvesant High School, to hear such rumors about bribery in the Humor department pains me to the depths of my soul. I would never, ever take bribes for writing. Ever.

I can’t imagine anyone despicable enough to forcibly maximize the amount of words in their article in The Spectator to obtain a few extra pieces of currency. I mean, how low-quality would the articles appear to the reader? I would never worthlessly extrapolate my word count (aka the number of words in my article) just to gain a few quick bucks, which is slang for modern currency. And there is no chance that I was ever paid to write this article or any articles before this. How unethical, immoral, dishonest, fraudulent, deceitful, crooked, underhanded, lazy, and boring would that be?

Apparently, people have been “reporting” that I’ve been taking money from the Spec Humor editors in the Hudson staircase. First of all, the Hudson staircase is too full of Juulers to do anything except for Juul in there (and you can’t even use discreet spots because of the couples who somehow navigated there to make out). Second of all, if I were to exchange money, it would be in a dark alleyway during third period—but that would never happen, because The Spectator is 100 percent corruption-free. Fake news is a huge issue we have to deal with in today’s world, where anyone can bang out an article and have it published in a newspaper. Stamping out fake news begins with destroying any and all evidence of it, which I implore anyone who even thinks bribery is occuring to do.

I would never take money just to write articles. I love writing articles! Writing Humor articles is the best thing to ever happen to me, and it brings me sheer joy in life to cry as I tap out a draft 10 minutes before it’s due, draining my last two brain cells for all that they’re worth. I love it when I have to spend hours researching Elon Musk just to write an article that isn’t even remotely funny and doesn’t even make people exhale through their noses! Really, there’s nothing better than putting myself through all of that, and I would do it all again for the humble, humble price of $0.

And so what if I can afford to eat at Dirty Bird five days a week? What does that mean? Nothing, because I haven’t been taking bribes and I just know that I like to eat in style. Don’t ask me about how I make my money, because you wouldn’t be able to comprehend it with your pea-sized, accusatory, conclusion-jumping-to mind. People these days make me sick with their bold accusations of bribery and corruption in The Spectator. This is all just slander against our good editors, who have done nothing, including not giving me $20 for every page I write. So keep that in mind, you small-minded folks.