It’s MyTalos Now, Buddy

It’s been a long, long road. Every year just gets crazier and crazier, and we here at Stuyvesant High School were feeling a little left out, so why not up the ante with a whole new Talos system specially designed to confuse our poor souls even more? Sorry, not just Talos but MYTalos!

That’s right! We’ve got a brand new system. But don’t worry, it is still confusingly mashed together with normal, boring Talos, so you get to be EXTRA confused when trying to take attendance! Our genius truly escapes our own minds sometimes. The clean new interface lulls you into a sense of security and safety, but under the surface, the design flaws truly come to light. Why is it impossible to do anything? That’s not your business. Why didn’t we put course selections and course exceptions together? That’s because we wanted you to have the full experience of clicking through five different pages, each taking a solid three minutes to load, only for you to realize that you didn’t even need a course exception in the first place! (Can you believe this is Rodda John’s full-time job?)

But don’t worry, we reset all of your passwords to your OSIS numbers. Will this cause issues? No, because we sent out all the information in an email longer than this quarantine. Use your eyes, people. Got dunked on by someone who knows your OSIS? That’s not important!

Don’t even bother trying to figure out more about your potential “education” (like that’ll ever happen) because every time you click on a course, BOOM. Error 403 message. But hey, we have cute little photos to cure your wounded, struggling heart! Don’t forget the cute little “photo failed to load” icon that shows up every time under “Eligibility Requirements.” I’m not capable of designing a website, but I was required to do it anyway. That’s what we call real-world applications, people. Take notes. Imagine not knowing what a 5-tech is because of our website. And I don’t have to imagine—I don’t know what it is, and that’s why our website refuses to explain anything to you. Take that!

Hey, we’ve covered all the issues of the future and the present, but what about the past? How can we mess up every single plane of time? It’s by not properly displaying your graduation requirements! You say you’ve taken three years of language as you enter your senior year… but HAVE you? It’s not a design flaw if we caught you sleeping in your Spanish class one semester!

We at the Program Office want to make sure you don’t have the easiest, most exciting, and aesthetically pleasing experience, but rather an experience you can complain about years later when you come back as a grumbling alumnus! So what are you waiting for? Log in and say goodbye to whatever hope you had left!