Humor

JProm Boat Quarantined On Hudson River

Pending further developments, the JProm party boat has been quarantined on the Hudson River.

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By Ka Seng Soo

After several partying juniors tested positive for COVID-19, the JProm boat has been quarantined on the Hudson River for a minimum of two weeks, allowing attendees to self-isolate until testing kits are available. While the boat is not fitted with adequate sleeping quarters for the 213 partygoers, the Student Union has purchased sleeping bags for all juniors stuck on board and enlisted teams of students to throw leftover oranges from Stuyvesant’s cafeteria onto the boat in the case of a food shortage.

While the general mood onboard was optimistic, there were some signs that tensions were beginning to develop. When DJ Bill Samuel, known professionally as “Sil-E Bil-E,” tried to “get this party started” for a second time, he was jumped by a mob of students who threw him over the side into the waters of the Hudson. Attempts to contact chaperones were unsuccessful, though some unconfirmed reports stated that the adults onboard the ship had barricaded themselves in the engine room and were sobbing against the door.

Nurse Danielle, when contacted for information about the situation on the boat, told us “whatever happens on the JProm boat stays on the JProm boat,” and that the situation was beyond her—or anyone’s—control. Principal Eric Contreras echoed this sentiment, telling those concerned about the well-being of the affected students to “just hope and pray, essentially.”

The Spectator is currently sending teams of reporters to shout questions at the boat from Hudson River Park with megaphones. As the situation continues to develop, we will publish any further updates.