Kenvesant High School

The patriarchy no longer exists—not since the popularization of Kenergy.

Stuyvesant High School serves as a case study for the societal impact of Kenergy, a psychological facilitator of secure masculinity. Despite being a gender equal establishment, Stuyvesant still has certain subjects dominated by an imbalance of masculinity and femininity. 

“APEng was full of Barbies with no Kens in sight,” senior Erica Chen sighed (in an interview that was definitely not incentivized by boba). “I guess reading a book is like, not alpha male. Literacy is too girly? Actually, I did see some freshmen weightlifting Biology textbooks the other day, so maybe—”

We cut her off there. The girlification of literary analysis is a baffling phenomenon. Perhaps the turning of pages is too feminine, much like bare shoulders (as dress codes would suggest). But after the rising trend of Kenergy, we are delighted to see English classes infused with a healthy gender balance! At last, the Kens are participating in Advanced English and Cinematography willingly and not simply because, “I don’t know, the program office just kinda put me here.” 

Demonstrating this difference is a testimonial from an anonymous junior who recently jumped on the Ken train: “I used to focus on what actually happened in the stories. If there wasn’t any action for a scene I’d just knock out, like, okay, blah blah, have your conversation. But ever since embracing the Kenergy of aesthetic details, I actually CARE about descriptions! The plot is important, but so are the details. Yes bestie, tell me about the embroidery on this protagonist’s dress!” This Ken proceeded to display an impressive amount of knowledge on fashion and color theory, an aspect of symbolism analysis that is usually female-dominated and not viewed as important in the male world.

Kenergy has also transformed Stuyvesant’s STEM circle! There have always been dedicated girlbosses in the Robotics and Math Teams; however, since the de-girlification of deodorant, the Barbies of Stuy have reported “tolerable smells” during practices, a significant improvement from the “stank bombs” of just a few months ago. The math team’s ratio of men to women has finally inched upward from 10:1.

What is the reason for this sudden shift in the gender balance? Well, Kens are never condescending. Kenergy is inherently based on helping others and saving the day. While STEM fields generally overlook the discomfort of women in predominantly masculine spaces and make them adjust, a new wave of science-y Kens are actively noticing these concerns and changing them. It’s not limited to deodorant, either. Rumor has it that in the outside world, Kens have been pushing for childcare so women can continue to advance in the workplace and telling misogynists to cut it out. Empathy is crucial to building gender equality, and boy do the Kens have it. One Ken at Stuy even sobbed as he had to pull a pillbug out of its home for an AP Biology lab (“He’s just a little guy! I’m ruining his Mojo Dojo Casa House!”).

The Kens have, most importantly, built a community surrounding supportive bromance. It is truly heartwarming to see them become more in touch with their own emotions and subsequently lean on each other for support. One Stuy Ken stated: “I shed a tear opening up to my bro about our parents’ divorce. I didn’t even know eyes could do that. I feel so free. He invited me to his Mojo Dojo Casa House.” We (totally consensually… probably) investigated this visit, and the house in question was the Senior Atrium, littered with models of horses. The Kens had gathered into friend groups, unafraid to be themselves, never trying to impress each other but always being there for each other. In this way, Kenergy is improving men’s mental health and enabling them to build more vulnerable friendships with each other!

On a side note, some of the Kens were simply GUSHING about their Barbies. Awwww! We smell a prom theme!

Every single Barbie and Ken make this school amazing (forget Allan… Alen? Allen? Whatever). Kenergy has changed what were once set roles for men. Dish soap on the face is no longer an acceptable form of skincare. Opening up to friends is no longer considered weak. They are ROCKING pastels, especially pink. Though there is a disappointing lack of horses to be seen in this trend, Stuy is galloping into a more inclusive, healthy place because of it. One can only imagine what the world would be like if Kenergy replaced all patriarchy. 

Mattel was right… life in plastic is absolutely fantastic.