Leaked Recording of a Kidnapping Attempt on Principal Contreras

The Spectator obtained an audio recording of an attempted kidnapping of Principal Eric Contreras from an anonymous source. We present an edited transcript of the recording to inform the student body of what the Fake News Media doesn’t want you to know. Names of students have been changed for anonymity.

Contreras: Ahh. Another hard day's work accommodating the needs of the student body. I sure do love interacting positively with my babies—I mean, my students.

[sounds of papers shuffling]

Contreras: My schedule says that at this time I have no meetings. Seems like a great opportunity to be relatable to the students!

[We believe the noises heard here are the sounds of Contreras taking a scooter around his office. Hardcore skater music can be heard in the background. What a cool guy.]

Contreras: Ya know, I oughta go around this school more.

[At this point, Contreras scoots out of his office and around the first floor. Two figures can be heard approaching him from behind.]

Contreras: Good afternoon, child!

Not Victor: Hello Mr. Contreras! Would you like to play a game of chess?

Contreras: Sure! Anything for my dear pupils!

[Chess noises can be heard at the senior bar. After a few moves are heard, the sounds of a scuffle become clear. We believe two students, who are not Humor editors, put a bag over Contreras’s head. His muffled cries can be heard as he is dragged to a room that is totally not the Spec Room.]

[when released from the paper bag] Contreras: Is this the Spec Room?

Absolutely Not Omar: Uhh, no.

Couldn’t Be Olly: [happily] Oh hi Mr. Contrer—Oh wait. [Here, the student clears their throat and puts on a fake deep voice.] Greetings, Principal.

Contreras: Good day to you, my beloved student! This room looks kinda ugly, doesn’t it? Don’t worry! I’ll just put some of my paycheck aside to renovate this room!

100 Percent Not Victor: [menacingly] It’s not that…

Totally Not Abdulla: [emotionlessly] We’re very angry…

Contreras: Oh no! You’re angry? Fear not, for our school is provided with some of the best guidance counselors—

[A crashing sound is heard.]

Definitely Not Olly: NO, NOT THAT.

Completely Not Omar: Clearly you don’t understand why we’re doing this. See, we are super broke. You are very important, so we decided that we would kidnap you and hold you as hostage until we receive our ransom money of $100.

Abdulla, I Mean, Not Abdulla: It’s a pretty hard world, so we hope that you understand. It’s a living.

Contreras: Oh. Well, that’s kind of a pickle. But in the meantime, would you like to try some of this fragrant herbal tea? I stole it from that William Wang kid, but I don’t think he really cares about it.

Not Victor: [loudly] SILENCE! You will remain under our custody until we get our ransom money!

Someone Other Than Olly: Look, I don’t know about you, but this tea thing sounds pretty good to me.

A Person Who Isn’t Omar: I mean, it can’t hurt.

[Tea is poured into cups. The sound of drinking can be heard.]

Anonymous Student, Not Victor: YOU BUFFOOOONS!!!!!

Contreras: [tea drinking noises] You’re not good at this kidnapping gig, are you?

Person Who We Have NO IDEA ABOUT, Except We Can Definitively State That It Isn’t Victor: You know what…

Un-Abdulla: Dang, so the SU has been hiding this stash of tea from us all this time? That’s so corrupt of them.

Kidnapper Who Is Not Omar: It is a very refreshing beverage.

Clearly Not Victor: [This person, who is definitely not Victor, is heard screaming at his lackeys’ incompetence.] Fools! Do I have to do everything myself around here?

Contreras: Don’t worry, future convict! I’ll just invest in an espionage elective in the future! This way, your incompetent assistants will learn about the history of such techniques and maybe pull this kidnapping off better next time!

[People can be heard entering the room, which is not the Spec Room.]

Sishwaa Vofat: Yo, ‘sup Principal.

Contreras: Oh hey Sishwaa! Wanna get me outta this room?

Sishwaa: Aight fam, just follow me.

Contreras: I would suspend you guys for such a bad effort at doing something, but you guys gave me so many ideas that I’m just gonna give you the $100 as a thank you! Ciao!

[Contreras and Sishwaa exit.]

Unquestionably Not Victor: WHAT JUST HAPPENED??

So Not Olly: Yo, chill. Drink this tea. It’s really good!

Really Honestly Not Abdulla, We Swear: [monotonous] I agree that it is splendid.

[A person who isn’t Victor can be heard sobbing. Here, the shocking recording ends. Unbelievable that some students, who are not our upstanding Humor editors, would do such a thing.]