Lesser-Known Variants of the Tooth Fairy

Everyone has had encounters with the good ole Tooth Fairy. Your teeth fall out, and you exchange it for a crisp dollar bill in the morning (except for Stuy kids, who get Barron's AP flashcards). You might even know what she looks like if you watched “Rise of the Guardians” (unless you were too busy staring at Jack Frost, and honestly… who wasn’t?). Setting aside the troubling truth that this is a treacherous slope to selling your organs*, I’m here to tell you that you haven’t been capitalizing on your body parts enough.

Yes, there is more to life than using your teeth for monetary gain: if you know where to look, there are fairy markets for hair, bones, and even a very small underground network that deals with shed skin cells! And for every tooth fairy, there is a “dentist.” “Dentists” are nothing more than people who mess around in your mouth, make your gums bleed, and then have the audacity to take your money. THE AUDACITY! If our teeth are worth a dollar apiece, these dentists should be paying us to have this experience. Here’s my theory: dentists and tooth fairies are in on it together. They fund each other. Health insurance is so expensive (at least according to your parents), and for what? So it can all be redistributed to you when you finally get these godforsaken tiny bones out of your mouth.

Speaking of tiny bones, virtually no one has met the Bone Fairy and lived to tell the tale. Oh yeah. It goes deeper than “haha dentists.” If you’re that one cursed kid who lived in a house built on top of a corpse, consider yourself lucky because if you start digging right now, there’s probably a whole 30 dollars waiting for you. Where do the bones go? Yes.

Find a dollar in your dryer? That’s the lint fairy thanking you. Unless it’s a sock that’s gone missing too—at that point, you might as well update your will because you’re never getting that one back.

Oh yes, your parents will tell you otherwise. They’ll say, “Bone Fairy? Have you been reading The Spectator again? Don’t be silly. Only the Tooth Fairy is real.” They are lying to you. Don’t even get me started on their misguided beliefs on Santa Claus! Your parents have outgrown the childlike wonder of the holidays and now work for the dentists. Don’t let the dentists win.

The underground market for discarded human parts runs long and deep in our society, rooting you in from childhood and having you trust these minions of evil and baby teeth. The Tooth Fairy is merely propaganda for those taking your teeth, hair, and socks. Don’t be fooled—make the most out of this situation! Let the evil little gremlins under your bed know that you are there. Make them fear you. Make them work for you.

*Meet me behind Ferry’s if you’re interested. I can have you in and out in three hours tops.