Let’s Play Hide and Seek with Simon and Moran!

Fellow citizens of Stuyvesant High School: have you ever found yourself sitting peacefully in the Hudson staircase, or in a corner of the sophomore bar, when Sr. Simon creeps up behind you and demands that you give him your AirPods? Or maybe it was Mr. Moran who snuck up on you, weaving his way through the crowd of confused students in a fire drill to take your phone out of your hands?

If this has been your experience, then look no further: we’ve compiled the ultimate guide of places to hide from these troublemakers.

Hudson Stairs 2.0

The first hiding place we have a detailed account of is the 10th-floor bathroom. Not only is it unnoticeable, but it can also sometimes serve as a backup for the Hudson staircase in desperate situations. It has a vast array of stalls, each dropping down low enough to conceal whatever heinous acts you’re trying to tuck away from Simon’s eyes.

Apart from the design, it is also almost unnervingly quiet, which makes any outside pursuit audible and aids your attempts at escape. Since nobody, including teachers, is aware of the 10th-floor bathroom’s existence, it makes the perfect place to duck away from any eagle-eyed staff trying to interrupt your jam sessions.

The Secluded Ninth-Floor Corner…

It seems that the higher the floors are in Stuyvesant, the fewer staff there are patrolling the halls looking for students who have breached Law #36 in “Acceptable Floors for Students to Have Fun” by Brian Moran. Many students hang out on the benches next to this hidden open box space, but benches won’t successfully cloak your presence as well as a nice, dark corner. To find it, go into the cafeteria’s unknown kitchen and keep walking until you reach a specific broken stove. Turn it on and sit inside, and a portal will be activated that brings you directly to the ninth-floor corner. The corner is fairly spacious, fitting up to seven people while concealing them from anyone approaching. There’s also a backup plan: in front of this space are the doors to a classroom that I’m pretty sure is collecting dust by now.

CAF- ARISTOTLE

Everyone knows where the cafeteria is, but since it’s such an obvious place, you can become imperceptible once you are among the crowd of freshmen. If slipping into the cafeteria to avoid facing consequences for your actions somehow doesn’t work, have no fear: the Hudson staircase at the back of the cafeteria has your back.

Hiding AND Getting Down (and Dirty)? Perfect!

If you have ever sat on the half-floor stairs, you’ve probably noticed their reputation of being heavily populated by freshmen and maybe some juniors who got kicked out of the sophomore bar for being too old. Or perhaps you’ve been to the West and East staircases and realized their absolutely wonderful ability to attract teachers and the random students skipping Wang’s physics class. Fear not, for we have the perfect solution for your unhealthy obsession with stairs.

Famous for their power/talent to cuff/mate students, the lovely (get it?) environment of the Hudson staircase is certainly the most desolate but CLEANEST (*ahem* sophomore bar *ahem*) place to peacefully enjoy music in the school—at least, when there aren’t any scandalous acts drowning it out. With the rumors that students have been getting intimate there surfacing around the school, even Simon and Moran are refusing to approach the area. However, this only means that the location is popular among students who are in desperate need of a love life. Now, you can not only listen to your music in peace but also potentially get a lover or a date for prom.

Free Music!

For prospective students who are desperately trying to hide from Simon and Moran, we also recommend simply going to the first floor, turning left, and walking forward until you hear some guy playing the baritone sax so hard that his cheeks will explode. That being said, while your eardrums might burst, it is certainly a place that Simon and Moran will not visit. From fact #938 of the Ultimate Stuy Survival Guide, we know that Simon and Moran would not like to go deaf, so it is safe to say that you will not be caught for whatever wild activity you are doing there.

From there, you can also threaten—we mean, politely ask—the band students to play Chopin’s Nocturne op. 9 No. 2 for you. If you’re craving some lyrics, we recommend that you, once again, “politely” ask the chorus students in the theater next door to sing for you. Surely their heavenly voices are enough to replace your crude music taste. Both services are also free of charge, so you no longer have to worry about those vexing Spotify un-premium ads.

This concludes our lesson on how to hide from Simon and Moran. We would like to remind everyone that The Spectator is not responsible if this advice fails. At the end of the day, you can always steal your AirPods from Simon’s and Moran’s offices when they’re not there. Or if you weep to Principal Yu loudly enough, maybe, just maybe, he will sympathize with your sob story and get them back for you. Though if you’re really desperate, we recommend just buying new AirPods. After all, the music has and always will be in us all, and no intruding staff can hit the pause button.