LIRR Etiquette

Hundreds of Stuy kids take the Long Island Railroad, commonly nicknamed the “Lur,” to school and back. But according to recent studies, only 1.63 percent of these supposedly “intellectually advanced” students behave with proper respect and expectations on the train. The Spectator presents several pointers on LIRR etiquette so that you and the surrounding people can have a better experience, all the while presenting yourself as the dignified, intelligent being you were born to be.

Don’t have your ticket out ready when the conductor comes. Do forget where you placed it and take as long as possible to find it when the conductor does come.

When the conductor comes around to check train tickets, make sure to really show him your appreciation by making the most of the time you have together on the train ride. As he approaches your seat, invite him to sit down next to you, introduce yourself, and tell him all about your life starting with the day you were born and ending with this fated meeting. Take time to go into detail about your childhood trauma and how you totally bombed that last math exam you had a week ago, and be sure to stare intently into his eyes while speaking to make it clear that you two have a connection. Be slow and suspenseful as you speak. We recommend pausing a couple minutes after each syllable to immerse him in your story. If at any time during your storytelling he interrupts you about a “ticket,” be sure to shush them as harshly as possible to remind him of his disrespect and impoliteness to you as a customer. When you do eventually have to show your ticket, do it with exaggerated sorrow and be as dramatic and heartbroken as possible. Your conductor and the passengers around you will have deep respect for your admiration and appreciation for the supposedly simple and monotonous job the conductor was trying to get over with quickly.

Be sure to create a scene once the conductor leaves. After all, you just built a relationship with and he was the only one who would listen to your problems. You spilled your secret about the 99.5 you got on your biology test that will bring your average down by .001 points and now he just leaves you? Disgraceful! He deserves to be humiliated. Stand up and start yelling at the conductor from across the train car. Mention a tidbit about how you thought he loved you, and how you caught him red-handed, provocatively seducing a man over there for his “ticket.” Let the conductor know how sick and despicable his actions are and spit toward his direction (preferably aiming for the man because you’re still secretly kinda jealous, but hey! The conductor totally made an attempt to seduce you first!). Make sure you’re crying to make him feel guilty. If you are feeling heartbroken afterward, don’t worry about it! You’re too good for him anyway.

Don’t politely ask for someone to make room for you or stand when no seats are available. Do claim and take territory from others as you please.

Need you be reminded that you have a holy, first-class monthly ticket? You don’t have to speak politely to those one-way ticket plebes. You are far superior. When you board a crowded train, take long and exaggerated strides down the aisle and clear your throat loudly for all to hear. If one of those plebeian passengers looks at you, be sure to dab on her and then flaunt your monthly ticket in her face. All the inferior passengers will fall before you on their knees and give up their seats in exchange for being in your superior presence.

If the passengers insist on being disrespectful, feel entitled to sit directly on top of them. Simply plop your luxurious, sacred buttocks onto their laps and form a sitting T-pose to establish your dominance and ownership over them. Be sure to give them your full, honest criticism about how disgustingly uncomfortable their laps are and how disappointed you are in them. Do complain aloud about how sore and neglected your butt feels.

If a seat is available, simply rest your posterior onto the seat. Now, no one can ask for you to move. If anyone does, shoot a disapproving glare and just scoot a tad bit so that your buttocks still cover relatively the same area of the seat as before. If someone asks again, he is the one being obnoxious and you can now legally ask him to get out of your personal space bubble. If he accuses you of being obnoxious (don’t worry, you’re not being obnoxious—you followed this guide), just pull out your trusty Uno Reverse Card and throw it in his face. Always make sure to stand up on top of the seat and scream to assert your dominance.

Of course, you will need a place to take a nap since you were working until 4:00 a.m. writing your research paper. To do this, place your backpack onto a seat one to two seats away from you to serve as a pillow and to create a barrier from the possibility of being awoken by the plebes invading your territory. Make sure you also place your legs on the available seats in front of you if you are sitting where two rows of seats face each other. Now you have space to stretch out and dream of having a thriving social life.

Don’t clean up litter from the seats or the floor. Do contribute your own garbage and mess.

Whenever you see wrinkled candy wrappers and empty bottles of Gatorade on the train, be sure to leave them. It would be disrespectful if you tried to remove someone else’s contributions from the train. They were obviously left in their places, untouched, for a reason. Instead, whenever you have food and drinks on the train, be sure to leave as many crumbs and spilled liquids in your wake before you leave. Passengers who come onto the train afterward will be grateful for the food and decorations you have left for them.

Don’t respect others’ boundaries.Do use the area as you please.

Feel free to blast your religious anthem “Mine Diamonds” on that Bluetooth speaker that you got for 10 bucks at the dollar store on max volume for everyone in the train to hear. The passengers will have a massive amount of respect for you after learning of your excellent taste in music and will appreciate you for blessing their ears. If someone asks you to turn down the volume, be sure to berate her for being nosy and for disrespecting your godly taste in music. Another acceptable response is to close your eyes and repeatedly chant “WHAT! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” until she gives up and walk away.

Feel free to rest your tired head on the shoulder of the passenger next to you. You have worked hard in starting your essay (writing the heading) due tomorrow and you deserve a break. Start weeping about your “terrible” grades and confidently rest your head onto her shoulder, and then start complaining about how little sleep you got in this past year. If she pats your head, you have successfully won her over, and you may be promoted to lay your head on her thighs. Feel free to cry yourself to sleep on those luxurious thighs. Or, if they do not meet your taste, express your judgment and target her insecurities in the process.

A very thoughtful thing to do as a fellow passenger is to furiously kick the back of the seat in front of you. The passenger in the seat will be honored to receive such a generous and caring back massage treatment. It’s an experience that people would normally pay for! Be sure to make it clear to him that you were the one vigorously kicking without pause before he exits the train or before you leave. Expect praise and satisfied remarks.

You may also meditate and do yoga if you please, but make sure to do it in the aisle so that you have room to stretch into a savasana (corpse pose) to represent how you truly feel about your life. If someone tries to walk in the aisles and asks you to move, remember that you are the alpha of this train. Use a low lunge followed by a revolved side angle pose to flex your capabilities on the plebes. As he cautiously backs away from you, be sure to transition into the default Fortnite dance to add some style points to your victory. Expect the surrounding crowd to applaud you after you ward away a disgusting challenger to your position. Then feel free to go into your downward dog.

If you are so unlucky as to not get a seat and need a way to entertain yourself, feel free to practice your pole dancing skills on the poles near the door. You may or may not kick the surrounding passengers in the process, but they are the ones who should have been aware of your personal space. Be reminded that you cannot pivot fully around the pole, but you can still present yourself as the embodiment of pure talent. There are no limits to your wonderful personality, imagination, and upper arm strength! As an added plus, the show that you put on will gain you lots of fame and you’ll be known across the entire LIRR community! All of the trains and even Penn Station will be plastered with posters of your elegant face desperately “wanted” by the officials. That’s a lot of publicity!

Don’t forget these amazing guidelines. Do exert these proper behaviors and educate the impolite fools through method of example.

Be sure to practice all of these etiquette tips for the next time you ride the LIRR, as proper behavior in the outside world is crucial to maintaining a strong and respectable reputation. Perhaps now you will be able to see just how corrupt and flawed train etiquette is. However, there is still hope in demonstrating these tips every time you ride. Not only will you enlighten the unsophisticated train plebeians, but you’ll be making the LIRR a greater experience for everyone! You’ll be a citywide hero!