No, We Have Not Been Bribing Writers

Yo, yo, yo, waddup y’all? It’s your favorite Kerwin Chen and Gaby Umanova knockoffs: Abuse Boi, Oily Stort, Abdulla Longlastname, and Omar (I think). Ever since we have liberated The Spectator from two of the most...responsible humor editors in this publication’s history, there has been a huge increase in the number of humor articles of varying qualities written for each issue.

After hearing some disturbing and very baseless rumors about bribery, we, the exalted editors, have decided to come clean and clear up any confusion about why there have been so many articles written recently. We want to make it exceedingly clear that this is in every way unrelated to the large amounts of money that we have not been paying our writers in bribes.

As a Spectator department, it is our job to be honest and let our morals guide our actions. We are obligated to be role models for our writers, and as such, we would never conduct dishonest actions such as bribing our writers to write articles for Humor. We were totally not initially paying by word count, and we have totally not since changed our payment plan due to the uptick in 1000+ word articles, which we are totally able to read given that we are all very intelligent. As a result, we can confirm that any rumors about us embezzling money from Spec Business are untrue and frankly amount to slander, something we know absolutely nothing about.

These rumors have sprung from a person who was removed from our department months ago. According to this report, we were seen handing a group of writers a large manila envelope labeled “BRIBERY MONEY FROM SPEC HUMOR” in a dark alleyway during third period. While this did occur, it has been severely misunderstood. What actually happened was a very legitimate and reasonable business exchange between writers and editors. The meaning of the words on the envelope has been misread as a symbol of corruption, when it had actually read “RIB-EYE MONEY FOR PECK RUMOR,” which obviously proves that the money was being used to pay for information about rumors regarding esteemed actor Gregory Peck’s consumption of rib-eye steak, and that the exchange was nothing like the bribe that it has been construed as by the Fake News Media (a.k.a. the rest of Spec).

In addition, we have been contacted about the rise in Humor writers seen around the school in designer clothing. We would like to stress that we have no idea where they got the money from, and that it has nothing to do with the payments we have not been making in installments to the writers every issue. It's not our fault our writers know how to dress up and you don't. Being a Humor writer is a lucrative business; there are plenty of other places they could have gotten the money from. Why are people so quick to blame the poor (for reasons unrelated to us spending our college funds bribing writers) editors?

In conclusion, we just want to leave you all with the assurance that your fiscally responsible and highly educated Humor editors would never engage in any illegal activities such as slipping writers $20 per page they write.