Prom Night Perfume: Which Scent Is For You?

To put it in the nicest way possible, Stuy students may be known for a lot of things, but smelling fantastic is not one of them. In fact, the stench of unwashed gym uniforms and bad breath has become the distinguishing scents of the average Stuy kid. But with prom season approaching, it’s time to get your perfume game together! Below is a guide to help you discover what kind of vibe you want to give off, based on the scents you choose—and if you’re one of the 0.009 percent of people at this school who actually smell nice.

Citrus

Think about lemons for a second, specifically about how strong and recognizable their taste is. The human equivalent would be someone who is unfortunately super loud, obnoxious, and annoying. You aren’t afraid to speak your mind, but please start to be. No one wants to hear your opinions. You’re probably a teacher’s worst nightmare, due to the staggering number of reputations you’ve ruined just because they made the mistake of calling you out when you fell asleep. If you’re going to prom just to party with your equally rowdy friends, then this scent is for you. And let me warn you now…you have absolutely no rizz, so don’t even try to strike up the wall pose with the nice girl from math class. You’re only going to embarrass yourself. 

Vanilla 

Sometimes people have types: athletes, smart people, girls next door, or deliciously gorgeous fictional characters, but there are some seriously crazy people out there who need to get help ASAP, because their type is red flags. Maybe you are colorblind or have some hardcore daddy issues, but if this is you, vanilla is definitely the scent for you. Vanilla perfumes are like bright flashing lights for players: one whiff and they will come at you faster than your essay deadlines. Society is messed up…you may be wondering how people are still going to choose this scent to make sure they spend the night crying in the bathroom. That is a question I can’t answer—but your therapist probably can! 

Wood 

People who smell woodsy are classy, expensive, and you should be bowing down to them and taking their orders every second of every moment (this is definitely not biased). There is always something enigmatic about them that draws people. For example, their exquisite fashion choices or the deep things they say on the rare occasion that they open their mouth. These are people who notice all the little details and are most likely to get away with murder. To be honest, they probably have a secret life completely separate from Stuyvesant: the kid of a mafia don or an oil money billionaire. However, at prom, they are no less. After humbly choosing to stay in the shadows, this is the moment they decide to emerge and rightfully snatch up the “Prom King” label from those lame-os who everyone thought would win. Don’t even try wearing this perfume scent; you won’t measure up to these otherworldly individuals. 

Floral 

Floral scents are for pure souls, devoid of any of the typical teenage debauchery. Prom doesn’t interest you anyway, but you’re only going for that one friend who was super depressed about not having anyone to go with. You’re caring, sweet, and innocent (a little too innocent)...sort of like a human version of Fluttershy from My Little Pony. But please speak up in class— no one can ever hear you. If this describes you, you’re probably going to spend prom holding things for people, fixing their hair and makeup, or taking photos for them. Learn how to say no…after I ask you to do my homework for me! 

Spices 

This is the kind of smell people write romance novels on: where the protagonist can’t get this particular smell out of their mind. Each variation smells super unique, just like the people who wear them. These people ruin lives and break hearts, respectfully. This is not for the weak of mind; however, you have to be prepared to comfortably live with the fact that you are the obsessions of dozens of girls. Tears will fall, chests will be clutched, and hearts will be broken. People will probably jump off that yacht to prove their love to you. This scent is for you if you enter prom single, dance with every person there, and leave just as single. Make sure to bring a bodyguard, because people will start chucking themselves at you. 

Keep these tips in mind, and make sure that you spray on so much that when you ask out whoever it is you want to, they’ll get hypnotized and fall under your smell…