Some Conspiracies ‘Bout That Cold Man De Blasio

Many Stuyvesant students have noticed in the past month that it’s not just their grades that are subzero anymore. While the weather has been abnormally cold, a result of the recent record-breaking polar vortex that has consumed New York, it’s not the temperature that’s gotten on the nerves of the student body; rather, it’s Mayor de Blasio’s approach to the polar vortex that’s the problem. New York City public schools remained open during the entirety of the frigid temperatures and snowstorms that ensued during the polar vortex. Now, why would de Blasio have chosen for schools to keep running during such brutal weather? Wait, tut-tut-tut, don’t bother answering because your answer is inaccurate already. Instead, feel privileged to know that The Spectator has generously decided to reveal to you some of its most accurate and plausible theories to address the real intent behind de Blasio’s decision to keep schools open.

DISCLAIMER: Now, you might be wondering why there need be such theories behind such a seemingly simple decision. That’s where you’re mistaken, you filthy casual and incompetent excuse of a Stuy student. Have you learned nothing about higher-order thinking questions from any of your English classes? But do not fear; as a courtesy of the most superior organization of journalism, The Spectator, the thinking has already been done for you.

Theory #1: The AirPods Theory

De Blasio has described his mission as “to connect with the dope, lit, and hip teens of New York City.” However, at the decrepit and outdated age of 57, it’s clear that he won’t be appealing to any teen (or even child) without appalling them and frightening them away. This has even occurred with his own son, a Brooklyn Tech graduate, who deemed him “uncool.” His son went on the record and stated that the only reason he went to college was to disassociate himself from his father.

Determined to fulfill his promised mission for himself, de Blasio has gone to great lengths to raise his coolness level. Several months ago, he was spotted aggressively sulking (with both of his hands in his pockets) toward a trio of fresh individuals engaging in “Tik Tok” activity. When he came within several feet of the teenagers, he removed his hands from his pockets and proceeded to move his arms into a “dab” position in front of the poor victims. As he was bringing his forehead into his elbow, he overheard an iconic song from one of the their phones. “Excuse me, but what’s a Tracer?” de Blasio exclaimed aloud in genuine interest. However, he did not realize what he had done, as, in his distracted state, he had forgotten to keep his other arm straight at a 45 degree angle and did not fully touch his forehead with his elbow. Despite realizing this unforgivable offense, and before he could apologize, it was already too late.

Immediately, one of the radicals in a knock-off oversized Gucci X Supreme X Yeezy sweater screamed an agonizing shriek, dropping her phone onto the pavement of the sidewalk. Another radical took out a can of pepper spray and sprayed de Blasio without hesitation. As de Blasio screamed in agony and crouched onto the floor, the third individual dabbed on the hater (de Blasio), and then the three teens sprang into a synchronized Fortnite default dance, surrounding the defenseless old man. Confused, in utter pain, and very intimidated by their fresh moves, de Blasio fled the scene in defeat, losing all 69 remaining respect points he had left and being left with -69 coolness points.

In the few weeks leading up to the arrival of the polar vortex, de Blasio proceeded to put his new plan into effect. It seemed that he had decided that if he couldn’t change himself physically, he would do so with the help of material assistance. As a final resort out of desperation, de Blasio hesitantly adopted a new modern technology in hopes of assimilating to this “hip” culture: the AirPods. Upon wearing them, de Blasio was immediately blessed with an aura of radness, and a quite fab-looking “waves” hairstyle appeared across his gray, receding hairline. As he strolled through the streets with the AirPods in his ears, he unintentionally flexed on the impoverished plebs and was unable to hear the disapproving remarks of parents who were too poor to afford their own luxurious AirPods for their children. The fresh and hip teens he approached collapsed to the ground in disgust and screamed in horror, but alas, de Blasio could not hear them because he was wearing AirPods. He did not see them either, due to the distraction caused by the sick beats he was listening to, “Flavortown.” De Blasio took the lack of negativity he was hearing to be a sign of acceptance and thus decided to continue wearing his AirPods for the rest of his life to preserve his dope new status.

It is because of this very crucial piece of theory that The Spectator speculates De Blasio kept schools open because he simply could not hear the weather forecast over whether or not a girl’s assumption that your boyfriend “doesn’t kiss ya” was a “hit or miss.” One would assume that de Blasio would’ve felt the unusual coldness. On the contrary, de Blasio couldn’t hear his teeth chattering nor could he feel the cold because he had AirPods on, as well as a rad new hairstyle to deflect the cold winds away. What a truly “sick dude” that man de Blasio is.

Theory #2.1: De Blasio Created the Polar Vortex

Due to a recent study, it has been discovered that the amount of carbon dioxide released into the air cools the polar stratosphere and makes a major dip in our jet stream, which can strengthen the fury of the polar vortex. Upon researching de Blasio’s decision to let young, fragile beings like you go to school in the freezing temperatures, The Spectator has discovered a more problematic predicament. For the sake of being thorough, we have sent spies to his seemingly normal home (Gracie Mansion) in Manhattan. Upon reaching his home, he was seen taking two stair steps down from his porch and then breathing heavily with his hands on his knees and with a red-cheeked face. It was also stated that he regularly breathes in through his nose and exhales out through his mouth.

With further research, we learned that due to the restricted nasal canal, an exhale from the mouth releases more carbon dioxide than one from the nostrils. It was also observed that he showed immediate signs of withdrawal after he stopped breathing; he immediately exhibited dizziness, disorientation, fainting, a decreased blood pH, signs of anaerobic respiration, and cognitive delays in his activities. Additionally, during an interview, de Blasio also stated that he had a cold and was severely congested for awhile, requiring him to mouth-breathe (but that’s what they all say), and therefore his statement can be inferred as a cover-up. From this evidence, we can conclude that de Blasio has an addiction to breathing, specifically mouth breathing, and that he is the cause of the polar vortex. He decided to keep schools open due to his own insecurities and his self-denial of being addicted. Why he intentionally chooses to release excess carbon dioxide is a mystery, but it can be concluded that we cannot trust a mouth breather and that he needs special assistance to resolve his strange fetish.

This raises a greater problem. Who else has this addiction? Can we trust anyone in our government? Can we trust our teachers? Or even our friends? De Blasio has been breathing since he was born in 1961, starting his addiction from a very young age, and has been hiding his addiction for 57 years already. So, it is very possible that your closest friends may be hiding a similar addiction as well. If you have identified a classmate or friend with this addiction using the same rationale as above, refer them to the school guidance office so they can talk out their insecurities and problems. Do not be afraid to expose them like the good friend you are. You may also report them to The Spectator to help with our current study, “The Culture of Repulsive Mouth Breathers at Stuyvesant.” Remember that you are doing them and the rest of the world a great favor and that they will have a better life after proper rehabilitation. If your suffering companions do not go to Stuyvesant, do not fret! Simply ask them to have a heart-to-heart discussion with the security guards, who will surely take pity and let them in. If their addiction persists despite their talk with their guidance counselor, consider calling your local addiction hotline. Mouth breathing is not a joke to be taken lightly.

Theory #2.2: De Blasio Created the Polar Vortex

We have also formulated another plausible theory for how de Blasio caused the polar vortex. It has been rumored that de Blasio was on the roof of a building tampering with an air conditioner to make snow cones to satisfy those unsatisfied childhood cravings he had when his parents said eating snow cones would give him diabetes. However, his experiment went very differently from what he expected and the air conditioner went haywire. It was stuck on the highest setting of “cold.” His knowledge of engineering was too limited to fix his horrible dilemma, and he was too ashamed to consult the professionals, so he modified other air conditioners in the area to spew out frosty weather. Upon various complaints about the sudden cold weather, de Blasio denies this rumor and has seemingly ordered the deletion of the sketchy security footage of himself suspiciously crying on a rooftop (which was recovered courtesy of participants in StuyHacks). We cannot assume this is because he doesn’t know how air conditioners work, but due to the rumor’s existence (which obviously is sufficient evidence), we created this very possible conclusion.

Theory #3: The Polar Vortex was a Hoax

It is quite possible that the polar vortex simply did not exist at all. A very valid theory claims that the polar vortex was merely a hoax perpetrated by Mayor de Blasio to cover up his one too many mistakes. The incident happened several days before the arrival of the polar vortex. De Blasio was sitting on a bench in Battery Park and, with thermal vision goggles, our spies reported quite a revolutionary discovery. They observed a warm cloud of noxious gas emitted from his rear end. Yes, a very disturbing discovery, we agree. Though most will not believe it, evidence suggests that our mayor, Mayor de Blasio, farted…and he who dealt it must have smelt it.

You see, de Blasio must’ve realized his flatulence as he was observed shifting uncomfortably on the bench and being quite paranoid as he glanced around. De Blasio knew he had to act fast before it diffused through the air of New York City. Immediately, he requested his private jet, bought with the funds that would’ve otherwise gone to educational programs and paid off his debt, and was off to the New York City Council. There, de Blasio bribed the Council with money embezzled from schools across New York to pass a bill requiring for all air conditioners to be secretly turned on by hired agents and for new external air conditioners to be installed across the city. He believed that by introducing such a disturbance in air movement, it would push his flatulence to a much more ideal location: New Jersey (the dumpster of New York!). He believed that the smelly change of ambience would make headlines and give New Jersey some much needed attention.

Within a few hours, New York City’s air conditioners had all been turned on. After a few days, the city was covered in thousands of new air conditioners, most of which were camouflaged so that they could not be identified easily. The abundance of simultaneously functioning air conditioners was strong enough to repel the fumes of de Blasio’s noxious toot out of New York before anyone’s lungs could be fatally damaged due to severe burning and inflammation (some of our spies were not lucky enough to have escaped unharmed, but they signed a waiver and they also got to use those cool thermal vision goggles!). However, it had also created a very cold environment leading many New Yorkers to believe in the red herring. Paired with the placebo effect of a “polar vortex” being mentioned on the news, it’s easy to see why many would so unknowingly fall for such a ruse. Without an actual polar vortex, and to prevent suspicion of there ever being a situation, de Blasio decided that there was no need to close down schools.

Theory #4 (our most impressive and sound theory): De Blasio = Polar Vortex

With a team of very talented analysts and linguists, we were able to formulate another plausible theory. For instance, de Blasio has described the economic inequality of New York City as the “Tale of Two Cities,” a novel written in 1859. The digits of 1859 add up to 23, a prime number. PRIME is a molecular biology tool used for research. Biology is a natural science. “Natural” is synonymous with “nature.” The letters for the word “tan” are found in the word “nature.” Skin tans occur in response to exposure to ultraviolet radiation, and the common nickname for this term is “UV rays.” This term has two vowels and four consonants. What else has exactly two vowels and four consonants? The word “vortex.” Coincidence? We think not. But how can we be so sure that this is specifically a polar vortex?

With further research, we found that de Blasio is a self-proclaimed populist. Populism was prevalent in New Zealand (with the 31st prime minister). New Zealand is located in the Pacific Ocean, one of the major oceans of the world. The word “Pacific” also has two Cs, and not all names of oceans have two Cs. What other major ocean has two Cs? The Arctic Ocean, which is located in the Arctic region. Polar bears live in the Arctic region. The name of this majestic organism has the word “polar” weaved into it. This correlation is definitely not just one wacky coincidence. With two wacky conclusions, we can wack off the wacky (two negatives make a positive) and conclude that de Blasio IS the polar vortex. He has manifested himself to be one with the vortex. He has become the vortex. And he possibly wishes to consume us all with his wrath.

De Blasio’s decision to keep New York City public schools open during such frigid circumstances may seem to have been merely due to him being a cruel, heartless monster. However, with higher-order thinking, some spare time, and some extensive research, it seems that there may have been more underlying factors to this decision than what meets the eye. If you believe that you have any worthy theories, we encourage you to submit them but it will be up to us to decide whether or not you’ve wasted our precious time (as we definitely haven’t with yours). This controversial verdict by de Blasio has sparked some definitely plausible theories, but the question remains: which one of these theories is the real reason behind his choice? Actually, don’t bother answering that. Leave the conspiring to the professionals.