Sr. Simon and Mr. Garfinkel Embark on Fraudulent World Tour

English teacher Kerry Garfinkel and Spanish teacher Manuel Simon have formed a band and embarked on a world tour as “Simon & Garfinkel,” sparking mixed reactions from the Stuyvesant community and the general public. Tickets for the tour are currently sold out, but some are available on ticket resale sites for upwards of $400.

Some, like junior Chloe Liu, welcomed the news of the duo’s newfound passion for performing live music. “Are you serious?” she said. “Both Simon and Garfinkel leaving for two years to play 139 shows on five continents? This is fantastic.” At press time, Liu was wondering what to do now that she had both sixth and ninth periods free.

Assistant Principal of English Eric Grossman took a dimmer view of the situation. “This is absolutely unbelievable,” he ranted to a Spectator reporter. “Not only do I lose one of my baldest teachers for two years, but I’m also out $518 for what I thought was going to be a concert by legendary folk-rock duo Simon & Garfunkel. I go to the show, and what do I see? Cell Phone Simon and the Garf.”

When questioned about the tour’s confusing branding, Simon was evasive, claiming that the band’s similarity with the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees was “a complete coincidence” and that the tour sprung out of “a genuine desire to bring music to the world, nothing more, nothing less.” When pressed further, he called our reporter a “cosa” and chased him out of the dean’s suite, saying that he needed to “figure out how to play this damn guitar” before his sold-out show at Madison Square Garden that evening.

Similarly, Garfinkel denied that his sudden adoption of a blond jewfro had anything to do with a desire to trick unsuspecting concertgoers into mistaking him for Art Garfunkel. “I mean, I just thought it was neat, you know?” he said. “Nothing wrong with switching things up once in a while, right?” As The Spectator’s correspondent left the room, Garfinkel could be heard singing what seemed to be an ill-advised attempt at “The Sound of Silence.”

Outside of Stuyvesant, opinions remained mixed, with some hailing the tour as a triumph for the music world and others denouncing it as a scam. One enraged fan, Louise Fairbanks, told The Spectator that Simon had rushed into the crowd and started grabbing phones from people recording the show. “This is nothing like the Paul Simon I remember from his younger days,” Fairbanks said. “For one, that fellow could play guitar.”

Others, however, were impressed with the pair’s musical stylings. “You know, I may be totally tone-deaf and unable to distinguish pitch,” avid follower Daniel Westing said, “but that doesn’t mean I can’t recognize raw musical talent when I hear it.”