Stuyvesant’s (Kinda) Got Talent!

To: classof2024@stuy.edu

From: freshmancaucuspresidents@aol.com

Subject: [Follow-Up] Stuyvesant’s Sure Got Talent!

Today at 8:07 p.m.

Hello, fellow students!

It is our pleasure as the most swagalicious caucus duo ever to say that the “Stuyvesant’s Got Talent Showcase” was a success! Many of you presented a myriad of different skills and talents, and they were breathtaking! To the rest of you, it’s okay! Not everyone is born gifted. Anyway, in this email, we will recap some of our favorite parts of the show, and at the end, we will announce the winner. Stay tuned!

Now, on to our most unique performances of the evening, as they were far too amazing not to talk about more. If your act isn’t listed here, don’t feel bad! We’re legally obligated to appreciate you all equally, no matter how disappointed we may or may not be.

First, we thoroughly enjoyed listening to the original song piece “If You Think You Know This, You’re Wrong. And There is No Autotune,” sung by a talented sophomore. We’ve heard people saying that it sounded suspiciously similar to the hit song “Dynamite” by BTS, but this act sounded way too computerized for it to be “Dynamite.” This was obviously a result of the vocal training the singer had to endure to achieve such a robotic voice. How admirable! There can't be voice editing either, as the title of the piece literally tells us autotune was not used in the production of the song. Come on guys, is there no trust anymore? This was an incredible performance and will be regarded as such! Bravo!

The caucus was also moved by the most dramatic interpretation of Romeo and Juliet we have ever seen. Unfortunately, the duo seemed to experience connection issues, but no worries, because they continued their performance in the chat! Ah… I don’t think we can forget that heart-shattering, “Romeo, oh Romeo, wherefore art thou Zoom frame?” or, “Ending the meeting is such sweet sorrow.” We almost got heart attacks from the sheer amount of emotions we felt! And judging by all the “:(,“ “:”(,” and even “D:” emoticons that the audience members sent, this was a shared sentiment. Bravo to a performance that made us all go “T^T.”

A quick shout-out to the student who gave an awesome performance by being unmuted the entire time. Ahem, yes, they forgot to mute themselves. But all is well, for they were still able to put on a magnificent performance, though it strayed well away from the description that they submitted in the Google Form. What was supposed to be “ballet dancing to Swan Lake” turned into the screaming of a furious sibling toward her younger brother for eating all of the Pringles, and without asking too! The most iconic line was, “SHUT UP! I need to calm my nerves and put on a performance so epic that I’m guaranteed to win the cash prize! You eating my Pringles and yelling DOES NOT HELP!” Nonetheless, the entire performance was music to our ears. It was a pity that the student did not turn their camera on, or our eyes would have been blessed as well.

And a quick acknowledgment of our unexpected guest appearances! Whether they meowed, barked, chirped, buzzed, or questionably screeched, it was a delight to see that our participant turnout was made higher by the furballs who live in your home. Thank you to the grand total of four people who had their cameras on for that!

And last but not least, the final winner of the Talent Show is…

Drumroll please… dun dun dun!

Principal Yu!

Please give a big round of applause! Now, we understand that this Talent Show was meant for students, but we really couldn’t refuse our very own principal! And we are certainly glad that his performance was included, for it was the highlight of the show! Our Principal acted out some of the much-awaited SEUNG! scenes, even beyond those that were included in the “SING!? More Like SEUNG!” article. Though the performance took over an hour, which resulted in the Talent Show being more than an hour and fifteen minutes long, it was definitely worth it.

I’m sure we all agree with the result because everyone voted for him! Yes, this unanimous decision is a first in history. This was definitely not rigged at all because “corruption” is not in our dictionary! He definitely did not threaten all of the staff and student leaders who organized this event and counted the votes. We just know that the $50 cash prize will be put to good use! Sources say that he wants to spend it on wishes in Genshin Impact so that Kazuha can come home sooner (he is secretly Kazuha’s most devoted follower and simp, but you didn’t hear it here).

As expected, this was another perfectly executed event by the freshman caucus. Be sure to keep up with our future emails and events, and as usual, continue being the beaming rays of sunshine that you are!

With lots of gratitude,

Freshman Caucus