Take Two Pieces of Candy!

Last Halloween, you decided it was too much work to stand by your doorway and half-heartedly drop pieces of candy into the trick-or-treat buckets of little children. You left the bucket of sweets outside your front door, along with a post-it that read “Please only take two pieces of candy!” However, after 15 minutes, someone rang your doorbell and notified you that the candy bucket was empty. Then they asked if you had any more. You gave them a handful of candy and proceeded to refill the candy bucket. Fifteen minutes later, another person rang the doorbell. And again, 15 minutes later. The cycle went on until the sun had set. You looked down at the bags of candy you’d bought, bags that were now empty.

This year, you decide to take a different approach. If everyone refuses to follow the rules, then you’ll simply give the people what they want: more candy. In a mad fury of research, you have discovered the ancient Halloween truths of the “tricks” instead of the treats. Ten sleepless nights later, you’ve put together a list of recipes that’ll surely give those trick-or-treaters a Halloween night to remember.

Recipe 1: Footsie Roll

Sugar

Corn syrup

Palm oil

Condensed skim milk infused with the essence of two pairs of socks

Whey

Soy lecithin

And natural and artificially sweetened sweaty foot flavor

*Chef’s tip: Optimized taste with the use of your dominant foot during the mixing process

A twist on a classic, the footsie roll is a foot-flavored taffy that’s sure to give those kids a run for their mommy—I mean, money. The brilliant idea combines an original sweet with a surprising kicker that’s been tested to really fire up one’s imagination of the word “rotten.”

Recipe 2: Swedish Fish Skeletons

Sugar

Corn syrup

Modified corn starch

Fish bones

Cherries (for coloring)

The expired meat in your fridge

Crowds will be filling up your doorsteps with this next candy. What better way to get into the Halloween spirit than to mash together Swedish Fish and Sam the Skeleton? These Swedish Fish Skeletons will leave quite the impression on those candy thieves, especially when the kids wake up the next morning wishing they had Sam’s empty stomach.

Recipe 3: Her Shoes’ Chocolate Bar

Milk chocolate (sugar, milk, cocoa, butter, vanillin, artificial flavors)

A hint of shavings of your sister’s shoes sprinkled on top

*Chef’s tip: The handling of the chocolate is crucial in producing a snappy finish to complement the multitude of elements within the shavings.

Though simplistic in comparison to the other sweets, Her Shoes’ Chocolate Bar transforms the Hershey’s treat into a monstrous delicacy. The added crispiness of the shavings will send any taster who snatches this candy to the ground. Every piece of the chocolate bar contains its own unique touch, with flavors ranging from dog manure to sidewalk chalk, all courtesy of your beloved sister.

Recipe 4: Hairybo Gummy Bears

Glucose syrup

Sugar

Gelatin

Citric acid

Animal hair, preferably a dog’s or cat’s (can be harvested during shedding season through serious petting)

Lots of wax and food coloring

Time to switch it up a bit! These furry gummies are a sight to behold; their appearance alone will strike terror into the hearts of everyone that opens the packaging. If that’s not enough to spook people, their bodies’ reactions to the candy will. Hairybo gummy bears will turn any consumer into the next internet-sensation cat meme, with the star of the video imitating a cat regurgitating a hairball.

Recipe 5: Spicy Patches

Sugar

Invert sugar (ooo fancy sugar)

One Carolina Reaper pepper

Corn syrup

Citric acid

All the candies so far have been sweet, but the Spicy Patches will carry the Halloween nightmare to greater heights. Forget the delightful Sour Patches. These revamped little candymen of pain will surely bring the heat and set the regrets of candy-snatchers ablaze.

Recipe 6: The New Jelly Bean Flavor, Test Score F-!

Sugar

Tapioca

Starch

Blended test papers (filled with red marks) for authenticity of coloring

Artificial flavoring of F- and the taste of defeat

Confectioner’s glaze

Last but certainly not least is the new jelly bean flavor you concocted, Test Score F-. F- represents the epitome of the trickery with which you wish to surround this Halloween. In one bite, the vibrant and explosive flavors burst in your mouth, bringing any daredevil that tries the jellybean to tears.

With all the candy preparations in place, you once again set the pumpkin-shaped bucket of sweets by the front of your house. This Halloween’s gonna be sweet. Hours pass before the bucket empties, and afterward, no one rings the doorbell to alert you of the problem. By the end of the day, you take a look around at the piles of candy that continue to surround you, a feeling of dread creeping up your spine. If no one else is gonna eat all of this, you guess you’ll just have to. With a sigh, you get to work, never to be heard of again.