The Best Animal Crossing Villager To Cuddle With in Quarantine

With the onset of quarantine, many excruciatingly bored and lonely individuals are seeking asylum in Nintendo’s latest Animal Crossing game, Animal Crossing: New Horizons. After all, the game promises an “escape to your personal island paradise.” For those seeking attention and affection in the times of social distancing, New Horizons offers the perfect solution with its assortment of 402 unique villagers for you to interact with and befriend. Among those 402 villagers however, a select few stand out for their proficiency at not only fulfilling the quarantine needs of most individuals, but also having quirks that elevate them beyond other villagers. And if it wasn’t already clear, they’re virtual, so social distancing rules don’t apply!

With this in mind, we decided to analyze the cuddly-ness and uwu levels of each villager to see which would be the perfect match for lonely students in quarantine, because we can. Now, you might be wondering how we managed to rule out so many potential candidates. The process was quite simple.

First, it’s important to understand that there are eight unique personality traits that villagers possess: cranky, jock, lazy, smug, normal, peppy, snooty, and uchi (sisterly). Right off the bat, we’re just gonna eliminate the cranky, smug, and snooty personality types, because we don’t need that type of toxicity in our lives, especially during such a stressful period. New Horizons should be a paradise getaway, and all that toxicity is certainly not appreciated. That’s 163 villagers eliminated right off the bat.

We also decided to eliminate the jocks, because nobody wants to be reminded of their poor physique all the time. We personally would not like to be reminded that we do not have stronk biceps and that we most definitely are not swole. There’s another 76 gone.

Next, we decided that the lazy personality types needed to go as well. There’s an unsettling, incriminating feeling when you see yourself reflected as a villager, and cuddling with yourself definitely doesn’t make you feel any less lonely. There goes 75 more.

After much consideration, we came to the conclusion that the normal villagers would have to be eliminated as well. They’re more basic than a 52.1M solution of NaOH. Why travel to an exotic island paradise just to meet boring, average villagers? Individuals in quarantine need entertainment! They need something unique! Which all goes to say that we’ve eliminated another 75 villagers.

Furthermore, we had to eliminate the peppy types. These villagers are known to be very positive and enthusiastic, but why are they so… ecstatic? This irritating trait is only made more unsettling by the fact that we are in quarantine. What’s there to be so happy about? Something has to be wrong with them, and you must virtually distance yourselves from these maniacs. No one is allowed to be THAT happy, and their overbearing positivity will only remind you of your husk of a soul, which is why we had to say goodbye to another 65.

Finally, we have one single personality type left: the uchi, or sisterly, type. We also deemed these villagers not fit for interacting with. Why would you get another sister to tell you what you are doing wrong with your life when you already have the ones you are stuck with forever, or none? Also, why would you cuddle with your sister? That raises… other issues. So that rids 23 more villagers.

Currently, we are left with negative 75 villagers to cuddle with. We decided to take the absolute value of this statistic, as negative numbers are difficult to work with in the natural plane, and we must stay positive. Next, we decided to divide 75 by 15, because if you actually read The Spectator you will find that we are on issue 15.

We are left with the number five, which signifies the top five candidates. To determine our top five candidates, we, of course, had to choose our top five favorites. Here they are as follows:

Zucker: an octopus that resembles a takoyaki. If it doesn’t make you salivate just thinking about him, his tentacles will. Zucker has tentacles and suction cups, which allow for a more intimate cuddling experience. This intimacy is especially favorable due to your deprivation of social interaction in the past several weeks. Our only issue is that he might be a bit too clingy, especially with those sticky tentacles of his.

Tommy: the tanooki son of the wealthy capitalist and well-known corporate owner of Nook Incorporated, Tom Nook. He is certainly able to lend you some of daddy’s cash during these hard times. After all, his family runs the Getaway Package, a furniture and clothing line, and a phone company, and seemingly has an infinite amount of bells (the currency, by the way) to pay for the weed(s) you brought in. Much like how you have daddy issues, Tommy has daddy issues. His brother Timmy often steals the spotlight in the shop, while Tommy is left to roam on his own. We can definitely relate to our parents leaving us in the middle of nowhere and having no faith in us to have a job, so mutual bonding shall be done with ease. Our only issue is that he is probably illegal. Super adorbs though.

Raymond: a smug cat who won over our hearts with his impeccable fashion sense, especially regarding his choice to not wear any pants. Though we don’t love the smug personality trait, we just couldn’t help but make an exception for his avant-garde style and his sexy, mesmerizing multi-colored eyes. Raymond can use us as his scratching post anyday, and we would be okay with that (disclaimer: cat scratch disease is a real ailment and should not be treated lightly). Our only concern is that his preference of being pants-less might be disagreeable for some, but c’mon, who really needs to wear pants these days when you’re only showing your face on video conferences?

K.K. Slider: a roaming, naked dog celebrity who makes some hip tunes. No one can resist his guitar serenade. His thick eyebrows and lack of clothing are the elements of anyone’s dream companion. He also has the ability to appear in your dreams and call you “daddio,” and that’s makin’ us feel euphoric tingles inside (yes, this is actual game content).

Isabelle: an adorable, yellow, fluffy dog secretary. She is the essence of perfection and pure waifu material. She is also a certified “smasher” (having appeared in Nintendo’s Super Smash Bros. Ultimate). Though theorized to secretly possess iron thighs and bulging biceps underneath her adorable outfit, it is undeniable that she can pulverize any threat that comes your way, whether it be a jealous ex-villager, an ex in real life, or even COVID-19.

Our Winner: Isabelle.

If it wasn’t already obvious, Isabelle is unrivaled in the professional field of cuddling, and she has remarkable qualities that distinguish her from all the other villagers. Isabelle is friendly, polite, hardworking, and always EAGER to serve you. If these aren’t the characteristics that every individual currently in isolation is seeking, then we don’t know what is. Isabelle also has 19 engineering degrees from separate universities, according to her brother. Those extra slips of paper will be quite useful as alternatives for toilet paper, which is an essential resource that’s currently in high demand! Talk about a soulmate who’s not only lovable, but also readily available to provide for you! Not to mention, according to the fandom wiki, Isabelle doesn’t have a personality, which is the only personality that has yet to be eliminated out of the eight personalities we mentioned above. To sum it all up, she can smash both ways, if you know what we mean.

We want to squish Isabelle. The end.